New Vow

Mornings are not my time. I crawl out of bed tight,swollen and painful. The more I move around the more nauseated I get. So needless to say it takes me awhile to get out of the house. Yesterday I did lots around the house and then left to run errands. To conserve energy and get more done I went without make-up and just my tie-dyed dress. While in Wal-Mart I ran to the bathroom to relieve myself of a large unsweetened tea with lemon. On my way to the stall I saw this incredibly frightening woman in the bathroom mirror. Hair sticking up everywhere, pale face with red splotches, and just a tie-dyed dress. I recognized the dress first. It looked just like the one I had on because the horror in the mirror was me! Then I really panicked. I was in Wal-Mart looking like this. Someone may have already taken my picture and posted in on the internet in those Wal-Mart people posts. Furtively I looked around to see if anyone was taking my picture. Th coast was clear. I raised my fist to the sky, well actually to the Wal-Mart bathroom ceiling, and said "As God is my witness I will never go out in public looking like this again". I guess we will see how that goes.

Working at Home

With my diseases piling up and no hope of going back to nursing I think of jobs I might do at home. You know those jobs on the infomercials where "You can make $10,000 a month from the comfort of your home". So far nothing appeared doable until this weekend when I read an article about a woman in S.C. Seems she started a very lucrative home business. She put up a stripper pole in her mobile home, charged admission, served beer, and danced. Now that's thinking! Studies have shown that dancing on a stripper pole is a great cardio workout. This is a no brainer - a cardio program for my health, working out of my home, no taxes, and hopefully some good tips. I know there is some overhead. Putting up the pole. I wouldn't want to skimp on that. Right in the middle of my dance the pole and ceiling could collapse. Getting the perfect costumes to flatter my "aging gracefully" figure. Having the right person to check id's and serve beer. The lady in S.C. had a 12 year old boy as one of her client's when the police busted her. Which brings me to my last expense - bribe money for the police. Law and Order always talks about police hush money during raids at massage parlors.

Bustin Out

Yesterday was a weird day. I thought I worked 3 to 8 until I checked the calender. I saw I worked 10 to 4. I checked the calender at 9 so basically I grabbed my purse and went to work. I had on my comfy oldest jeans. They were a little snug at first but hey it was day one. Work was moving along when one of the popular girls stopped by. I was on the floor working on pattern books and got up to greet her. Without thinking I gave her a full view of the rear. She kindly said "You have some holes in your pants." To which I responded "Yeah in the front." "No", she said,"In the back." I put my hand on my rear and she was right. The whole inner seam was holding on by threads and one pocket was ripped down the side. I remember thinking how loose my jeans felt when I first got to work. They were loose from making big holes. I guess you call this " bustin out". What I am most grateful for was having a friend to watch my back. Some nice mealy mouth person might not have told me to spare my feelings. But my popular girl friend even told me the color of my underwear. The only thing that saved my butt was my shirt was long.

Cullie

My first name is Cullie but I go by my middle name Diane. I was named after my grandmother. I would have preferred to have been called by my first name no matter what it was. The first day of school was always a nightmare. There are not many Cullie's around and most are men. On one of my favorite English shows "Midsomer Murders" the daughter's name is Cully. I googled Cullie yesterday. This is what I found - An Old English word used in the 1700's to refer to a prostitute.

Gardening

Spring is here and I think of digging in the dirt. Gardening is great therapy for me. Our first house in Milwaukee had a beautiful landscaped yard. The previous and only owner took me under her wing and I slowly learned about annuals,perennials,soil and seasons. Off to Chicago where we worked hard on our yard and got a neighbor award. In Boston I belonged to a wonderful garden club where I learned to appreciate greens as well as flowers. Our land in Rockford had a beautiful perennial garden. Greensboro was where I was able to landscape my yard with the flowers I loved. I had lots of blue perennials that I mixed with annuals.My garden club was more social than working but I learned all kinds of things and never missed the garden tours. Now in Charlotte things have been not so good.I came with the desire to continue gardening. My attempts for annuals in the front yard were unsuccessful. What the deer didn't eat my lovely and friendly neighbors would let their dogs pee,poop and dig up. In the backyard I concentrated on vegetables and herbs. I worked hard on one area near the deck to plant asparagus. Asparagus is such a beautiful plant. The first son concocted a potion to kill the asparagus so he wouldn't have to eat any. The potion was so successful nothing has grown there since. Now I just grow herbs in boxes on the deck and flowers in my planters on the front porch. When I move I plan to have gardens all over the place. Saturday I read about a lady in Colorado who has run afoul of her neighbors while she gardens. It seems she likes to garden in a thong. Last year she wore pasties with the thong. I can see where pasties might be uncomfortable while digging in the dirt. The woman is 52. I only saw her head shot but even a woman of 52 in great shape is not attractive in a thong, especially bent over. Her husband is quite indignant about the complaints. He likes to hang out with his wife gardening in his thong too. Maybe instead of me worrying about having the proper soil for flower beds I just need to get out in my yard in a thong. A green one would be nice to start with don't you think ? And to my backyard neighbor who has never spoke to me, I will only allow her to see the backside of my thong.

Errands

The eye procedure wasn't bad but I would not recommend it unless it is a medical necessity. It took me a week to feel better. I was just wiped. The husband has a wicked cold. He hacked, coughed and wheezed all Friday night. Yesterday I said stay home and I will do your errands. He gave me a long list and I went to Wal-Mart and the cleaners. I took the dogs so he wouldn't yell for the second son to take them out. I returned to find he went to the grocery store while I was gone. When I confronted him he made some smart remark about it killing me to do his errands. The reason I did his errands was so he would stay home and not contaminate the world with his crud. Whatever. Some day I am going to kill his ass.

Another Procedure

I seem to spend all my time getting medical procedures. I don't think I asked for this. I just seem to keep needing them. Today I go to have my tear ducts cauterized. I don't like messing with my eyes or having anyone else mess with them. In fact I don't like messing with other people's eyes. When I used to work in pre-op getting the cataract surgeries ready I kept my eyes closed as much as possible. Dealing with eyes just makes my innards scream. So needless to say I am a wreck. Big time wreck. The husband is taking me. I tried to drown my fears in wine last night but the husband and second son gave me the riot act. I went to bed early and read knitting magazines and Hercule Poirot. That is a good distraction. The doctor told me after he inserted the plugs to be sure and get someone to bring me for the cauterization. That my eyes would swell and be painful after the numbing wore off. I have never had a doctor say the word pain. Their favorite line is " It will be a little uncomfortable". So I am not looking forward to the numbing medicine to wear off. In fact I am not looking forward to anything about today.

Lil Wayne

Last night was one of tossing and turning, punching the pillow and no sleep. I am so worried about Lil Wayne. He is on Rikers Island serving a one year sentence for having a semiautomatic pistol on his tour bus in 2007. After all these years of watching all the Law and Orders we know about Rikers Island. Threatening the criminals with Rikers always gets them to confess on the show. So you see my concern. But Lil Wayne plea bargained a 12 month sentence and went peacefully saying it was God's will. He said he avoided getting tips on prison life. He didn't say where he would have gotten those tips - the internet or his home boys. Lil Wayne ended by saying "This is Lil Wayne going to jail. Nobody I can talk to can tell me what that's like. I just say I'm looking forward to it." Don't you love someone who has enough confidence to refer to themselves in the third person. There is no fear of him coming out with prison tats. I don't think there is any space available on his body. I don't think he can keep his metal stud in his lip. I would think that would be a weapon. And what about all the grills on his teeth? He could chomp down on another inmate and do some serious damage, kinda of like a pit bull bite. He has been Twittering like crazy so I guess he got to keep his cell phone. I now have to fit into my schedule his twitter. That should make me sleep better. Lil Wayne recorded a ton before going in. That way we won't know he is gone. That is good because he can't sing without all that electronic stuff. Plus singing in the shower in prison might not be so good especially when you lean over to get the soap. There are polls to vote for who will have the best career prison comeback. Evidently T.I.'s career is awesome. I guess I will get me a candle, make it some grill out of aluminum foil and light it every night until Lil Wayne is safe at home with an even bigger career.

Yesterday

This weekend was Baskets of Yarn's annual knitting retreat. Instead of being in Boone, N.C. it was held at the shop. All went well. I enjoyed seeing all the old friends and making new ones. Although I was not very involved with the preparation this year I worked both days. Needless to say I was dead yesterday. I slept until 10:00 and went straight to the couch. I only got up to pee, walk the dogs and feed myself and the dogs. I ate a muffin, approximately half of a pound of linguine with clam sauce, and half of an apple pie. I went back to bed at 8:00 p.m. With all my carbo loading I was able to go to the dog park today. Of course I wore my "body enhancing underwear" and spandex yoga pants to allow for all the food I ate at the retreat and yesterday.

Jeff Bridges

I have not seen the movie Jeff Bridges won for the Oscars. Several people on Facebook have said it was good. I am just happy he won. He stood on the red carpet with his wife of 33 years beaming and holding her hand. That says more than words about him.I have always enjoyed seeing his movies so I better see this one. He looked nice in his tux too.

The Oscars

Just finished watching the Oscars. They aren't over but they just got too boring to watch any longer. I do have some opinions to post. Is Kathy Ireland pregnant or is just copying my bloated belly and IBS? Who did Sarah Jessica Parker's spray tan? She looked liked me at 16 with a bottle of QT. I loved Sandra Bullock's dress. She looked like an Oscar winner. Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep showed me that aging gracefully is beautiful. Zac Efron copied my hair style when I wake up in the morning. George, oh George, you need a haircut. You did not look your best for the Oscars. Even a gorgeous Italian eye candy could not make the hair look better. I know you are pining for me. I am your epitome of the perfect women but alas I remain married. I don't plan to knock off the husband any time soon George so get a haircut. Well I will read the results in the AM of the last few winners I missed. I am thinking of switching to Tom Sellack as my next husband after this one dies. His hair always looks good.

The Elephant in the Room

There is an elephant in the room and I can't ignore it anymore. I want to see a female as President before I die. When my daughter was born the first thing I said was "She will be the second female President after Elizabeth Dole". We all know Elizabeth crashed and burned after becoming N.C. Senator. I didn't support Hillary. I feel she is all for what will get Hillary ahead. Now here comes Sarah Palin. People swarm to hear her message. But if you follow her ascent that is no substance, kinda like those decaff,low fat, artificially sweetened lattes women drink. She hasn't ever completed anything she started but her marriage. So I have come to realize I just have to suck it up and vote for any woman when they run and hope for the best. I mean look at all the male politicians and all their screw-ups. New York and South Carolina voted for incompetent Governors and Lt. Governors. And John Edwards helped take the heat off women candidates. A hundred dollar haircut for him keeps the scrutiny off any woman candidate's haircut.

BUZZ

I try to keep current with all the stuff happening. I will not twitter. Facebook has been good to connect with people but I refuse to play the games. I text it just takes me awhile.I now prefer to e-mail than try to track someone down on the phone. I can even remember being insulted that someone had the gall to use an answering machine in their home. Who did they think they were? Today I finally checked out that BUZZ thing. It says I have 16 followers. That is more than this blog. Remember how I wanted to be blog of note? I have given up on that. But what the hell is BUZZ?

Jerry Springer

I admit when I channel surf I do watch snippets of Jerry Springer. I have wondered where they get the people who appear on the show and why. There never seems to be any resolution made between the people. Just lots of fighting and hair pulling, mainly by the women. What brings me to the show is I actually know someone who appeared on the show. Well I don't actually know him. But I did read about him in the paper. Seems a man in the local area went on the show with his girlfriend and the stripper he cheated on his girlfriend with. The show was pretty exciting with the man and his girlfriend duking it out while the stripper did a mean pole dance. I hate I missed the show. But the icing on the cake so to speak for the man was his parole officer was watching the show. I guess being on Jerry Springer is a parole violation plus crossing state lines doesn't help. So now the man sits in jail. Where I don't know. A few days after the article appeared, a letter to the editor asked what was the probation officer doing watching Jerry Springer during his work time. My immediate thought was he was catching a parole violator. But after further thought not all of the contestants come from this area. I will ponder further on this and maybe blog more later.