The Cleaning Lady

The cleaning lady comes today. That is what we call her no matter who it is. Cleaning ladies have been in and out of my marriage. They came after the children and when the husband traveled internationally. Then they left after the children grew and became more expensive. My husband hired one about four years ago because he was freaking out about the black rings in the toilet. I tried to explain that was my signal to clean them You know first the pink rings,then the red rings and finally the black ring and then you clean. That cleaning lady lasted about three pay periods and the husband said we couldn't afford one. About a year ago I just got too tired to do much. I would plan to clean but take a nap instead. The toilet's black rings were having baby rings. The husband shelled out the dough and today I wait for her to arrive. The whole point of this musing is why do I clean and pick up before the cleaning lady comes?

mundane thoughts

I saw the picture of Robert Redford's new bride in People this weekend. He definitely should have waited on me. I assume the bride has a great personality. Although it was refreshing to see a 72 year old man with a mature 52 year old woman instead of a 20 year old bimbo. T-Pain explained how he came to be called T-Pain - the t is for Tallahassee and the pain is for getting out of there. Maybe I should be called G-Pain - g for Greenville and the pain for getting out. Mark Sanford is vacationing in Europe for two weeks with his family. Evidently this trip is for his boys before they leave home. South Carolina is at the top for unemployment and at the bottom for education. Mark Sanford has become as embarrassing as that confederate flag that hangs in front of the Capital. When Mark comes back grab him before he leaves again and string him up with the flag. I'm telling South Carolina the War is ovah and so is Mark Sanford. With three dogs it is very apparent a fenced in yard is mandatory. I thought of trading sex for a fence on Craigslist. But when the guy comes for the measurements and sees me the deal will fold. Plus my sutures have to dissolve. So I have decided anyone that has ever gotten a Christmas gift from me is getting a fence this year. That includes my three children. Christmas Day we will all wake up, run outside and ooh and aah over this incredible gift of a fence. I just realized it is Christmas in July. Happy Fence too!

Good Reads

I love to read. I read every day especially before I go to sleep. My bedside is stacked with piles of books. My weekly or biweekly library trips add to the pile. When I find a book I really, really like I get so excited. This past two weeks I have read two such books. Both involve murder because I read about murder way too much. Both have white in their title. Both are in parts of the world I would love to see but probably never will. The first one is "White Nights" by Ann Cleeves. This is part of a series of novels set in the Shetland Islands. She makes her characters come alive. I felt like I was right there on the island worried about the murderer. The second book is "The White Tiger A Novel" by Aravind Adiga. His is set in India. He writes in a clever, witty way describing the hard life of the underprivileged in India. Both books took me to places I may never see but made me feel I had visited. I think I am supposed to underline for the books instead of the " but I don't know how to do that.

Tie - Dye

I awoke this morning to hot heavy panting on my left cheek and something cold and wet in my right hand. Before I fully awoke I thought it was my husband home early to surprise me. I opened my eyes to see Zeus standing over me on my left side and Shelley nudging my right hand with her nose. It wasn't even 7:00. I knocked Zeus to the ground where he belonged and started the day. Things are progressing nicely. Chip ate and both poops have been outside. With the toilet lids closed and the pool table barricaded, Zeus is drinking his water out of a bowl and pooping outside. Shelley is easy - eat,drink,poop,sleep,and repeat as often as possible. I pooped after my morning tea. All is right with the world except my "fire in the hole". I am proud to announce I am so fashion forward. The article today in the The Charlotte Observer Style section announced tie-dye is in. Obviously I knew that last year when I purchased my tie-dyed dress at the White Squirrel Festival in Brevard. I knew I was making a fashion statement just not a year in advance. I spent a considerate amount of time choosing the design of tie-dye in my dress. I got the one with a large bright yellow sun on the left side of my hip with the rays blending into the sky. I felt the large yellow sun was best on the side of my hip instead of in front or back. I wear the dress all the time even this Easter at Edisto Beach. Of course the designer in the article explains that his $175.00 dress is so elegant. He did it right in beautiful silk and a flowing fabric, not a tacky cotton. Well I am here to say my cotton tie-dyed dress is not tacky. People shout "Here comes the sun" when I walk elegantly into the Wal-Mart or Target.

What To Say?

Yesterday was a post anesthesia blur. Today my head is full of all kinds of things. Mostly it says my bottom hurts. I got four moles removed instead of two. I have lots of sutures. I feel like I have an episiotomy from delivering the Incredible Hulk. The dogs remain first and foremost. Chip is not too good. He is eating some but everything comes right back out. He averages 6 to 7 stools a day. He looks like a Keith Richard dog. I have him down on the lowest dose possible for his medicine. I just keep watching him day to day. He loves the dog park. He runs and runs, sniffs butts and checks out the little girl dogs. He is a young puppy while there. The rest of the time he sleeps or poops. Sometimes he makes it outside and sometimes he doesn't. That makes him hang his head. Zeus is still living the fraternity life. He tries to sleep on all the couches, beds, and chairs available. A toilet is just a big water bowl to him. He barks by the toilet for you to raise the lid. Under the pool table is his favorite place to poop. That lasted about 2 days. I know have a barricade of beanbag chairs and folding table up so he can't get downstairs. He spent most of this morning growling at the beanbag chairs. Shelley is fine. She wants to eat everybody's dog food. She doesn't care Chip is dying or Zeus is new. Food is fair game and she will knock anybody down to get the last morsel. I hope to get some quilting and knitting done while waiting for my sutures to dissolve. Sitting for long is an issue.Yesterday I watched Lana Turner and Ava Gardner bat their eyes. Then I watched Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple battle crime. Today I have some Humphrey Bogart and Robert Mitchum DVRed. I am just not the same since Robert Redford got married last week. I thought he was waiting for me to be available.

Monday, Monday

Monday always makes me think of the Mommas and Poppas song. This Monday I am singing the blues. For over a year I have been working on getting surgery to put all the parts of me that have fallen out back inside. The parts are in the bottom region. I needed several tests to verify that they were hanging out. I knew they were but the surgeons needed exact measurements. Several of the tests were developed by the Nazis during the Holocaust.The last set of tests discovered I have moles down below that don't look too good and need to be removed. So today I travel to Chapel Hill to have those removed and biopsied. When I wake after the removal I will no longer be singing "Monday, Monday". Instead me and Johnny will have fell in a burning ring of fire. I fell down,down and the flames went higher and it burns, burns, burns the ring of fire, the ring of fire.

Dear David Letterman

Dear David Letterman,

I hope I am not violating copyright laws by using your top ten list format. If you must sue me, I will declare insanity and state one of my other personalities did it.

Sincerely, Cullie

Top Ten Ways To Tell You Grew Up In A Dysfunctional Home

10. Watching Jerry Springer is like watching a home movie.

9. You grow up without heat or hot water but your parents are on a first name basis with the car salesman at the Plymouth dealership.

8. There is no grass in the backyard because of all the new cars, trucks, and motorcycles parked there.

7. When it rains you have buckets to catch the water from the roof leak. After multiple rains and leaks you watch the plaster fall from the ceiling and wall.

6. You think all Dad's come home a couple times a month to beat their wife and yell at the kids.

5. You get to know the police from all the times you call the police to break up your parent's fights.

4. Your Mother has an affair with a man who buys your Dad's truck. Years later your Dad marries the man's widow.

3. Your Dad has an affair with the woman your Mother babysits for. They marry for a few years after your parent's divorce.

2. You have as many ex stepbrothers, stepsisters, and stepparents as Elizabeth Taylor's children.

1. You know you have a new stepfather because you come home Christmas and there is a wedding cake on the washing machine.

Dogs,Dogs,Dogs

My life has gone to the dogs. Trips to the dog park, Pet Smart, and the vet. Refereeing meal time and lots of trips outside to eliminate meal time. Refereeing nap time and each dog's designated spot. Bedtime and where each dog will sleep. But all in all things are progressing well. The dogs are excellent at the dog park running off leash with a pack of strange dogs. Shelley did snarl at a tiny poodle in a pink dress. My husband said she probably thought it was a rabbit. My husband came home last night after being gone all week. We attempted to sit on the screened porch with all three dogs. Chip promptly smeared his myasthenia gravis drool on my husband's dress pants. Then Zeus cocked his leg and peed on the wicker hassock my husband's feet were on. My husband stomped in the house. I cleaned up the chair and finished off the bottle of wine we had started. Domestic bliss with three dogs.

Bernie Madoff

Three dogs are keeping me busy. I feel like Angelina and Brad just minus the money. Today I discovered that Bernie Madoff is in prison in NC. He is in a prison about 45 minutes from Raleigh.I know the south takes most of the toxic waste from other states. I didn't know North Carolina takes human toxic waste too. The article says he will be with all the hardened criminals. But they emphasized how good the hospitals are at the prison. We all hope Bernie lives long enough to feel his fellow man's pain. He should suffer before he gets to go to the hospital.

Life of Threes

I weighed this morning and have lost three pounds. That entitled me to two chocolate cake donuts at the Dunkin Donuts drive through. I figured three donuts were pushing the weight loss. But while we are discussing the number three I need to relate it to my life. Three siblings, three grandmothers, three fiancees, three brother-in-laws, three children, three sewing machines, and three dogs.Yes three dogs. Zeus was thrown out of the fraternity house and must come to live with us. He and the maid did not see eye to eye. He has been through a rescue, a divorce, advertised on Craigslist, another rescue by my son, and now ejected from the fraternity. I hope he doesn't need therapy. Maybe I will take him to my psychiatric visits and he might relate to my troubles. I have talked to Chip and Shelley about Zeus. They aren't too interested. They will be when Zeus arrives. I did take them to the new dog park at Davie Park. They did great with all the other dogs. Chip was a little crabby until he realized that if he let the dogs sniff his butt he could sniff as much as he wanted of their butt. So my life of three continues. The third child leaves and the third dog arrives. The three baby birds have flown the nest. I wonder if this means I am also entitled to three men? Hmmmmm.

More Songs

I am intently listening to all the words of songs downloaded on my MP3. I discovered that Blue Oyster Cult was singing "Don't fear the Reaper" instead of "Don't fear the reefer". I always wondered what Romeo and Juliet had to do with pot. I now have my new song for my current life - " My Humps " by the The Black Eye Peas. "What are you gonna do with all that junk inside that trunk?" is the question I ask myself everyday. My old song was Peter Frampton's "Do You Feel Like I Feel?". The beginning words speak to me. "Woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand. Whose wine? What wine? Where in the hell did I dine ?" Yep I had some mornings like that. The best song in the world hands down is "Layla". I always wanted to be Layla where a man sings his love for me accompanied by kick ass guitar. I think Dr. Dre needs his mouth washed with soap. And to all the husbands of the world, especially mine, listen to Aretha sing "Respect". "All I'm asking for is a little respect when you come home." Last but not least to all couples, listen to "I Walk The Line" by Johnny Cash every day. That song might halt some of the adultery out there.

P.S It is "Ice Ice Baby" not "Ice Baby". And "Don't Worry Be Happy".

Fat , Frumpy Lady

I have studied and studied on what to do with this fat, frumpy lady on my backside. Even with chronic nausea, minimal food, and walks around the block ; she remains. All this studying about her has led me to believe she might be here forever. So this is my way to allow her in my life without shame or defeat. I am announcing I am a competitive eater. I plan to have shirts made that state "Competitive Eater In Training". No one will notice the fat, frumpy lady on my ass. They will see an athlete. Someone that might be in Coney Island the next fourth eating Nathan hotdogs. I can see it now - contests, interviews, People magazine, reality shows, and maybe "America's Got Talent". Then I will retire from the competitive eating circuit and a wealthy fan will pay for the surgical removal of the fat, frumpy lady. Gotta go get those T - shirts made.

Cat Scratch Fever

I am walking my dogs around the neighborhood these days. That means listening to my MP3 downloaded with some great songs. There is one rap song - Bitches and Hoes that is pretty raunchy. With rap songs you have to listen to the words. They are in your face. Songs I grew up with had so much loud music you couldn't hear the words. Now that I am sweating, walking 2 dogs and carrying that frumpy, fat lady on my ass ; I am listening to the words. Cat Scratch Fever has floored me! I assumed the song was about cat scratch fever. You know , the disease. After listening to the words the song has new meaning. A disease that has nothing to do with cats!

Happy Fourth

Today is the fourth of July. This is one of my favorite holidays. No presents, hot weather, cold beer, and a cookout. Lots of my fourths were spent in Myrtle Beach with my daughter in competitive dance tournaments. Those are good memories with lots of good laughs. Once my friend and I dressed alike the entire tournament. The best outfit were our t-shirts declaring " my daughter dances better than your daughter" on the front and our respective daughter's names on the back. That made those dance moms stand to attention. Another memory was being kicked out of a restaurant in Murrell's Inlet. Yes kicked out. We were a party of four adults, two teen age girls, and four boys. We weren't drunk. The children weren't out of control. We were just a large party taking up space for the fireworks. The restaurant wrapped up our desserts to go and sent us on our way. We adults did not cuss or fight for the children's sake. Another fourth we met a tornado in Garden City. Our two families huddled in the laundry room downstairs in the condo complex while idiots stood on roof tops filming the tornado going down the beach. Yes these are family memories created to laugh about in later years.

A Big Boo Hoo

I want to extend a big boo hoo to Bernie Madoff's wife. She says she has been conned too. GASP! She only has 2 million left. GASP! Her penthouse in NYC is gone as is her limo and chauffeur. GASP! Someone snapped her picture riding on the subway. GASP! She may have to get a job. GASP! She may have to dye her own hair. GASP! She may have to fire all her help. GASP! She may have to live like the rest of us. GASP! Let us have a moment of silence and a big boo hoo for Mrs. Madoff.

Bull Street

Growing up in South Carolina, I knew about Bull Street about the same time I knew about Mr. Dohickey. Bull Street was the location of the state mental hospital. Anybody acting strange ended up there. "Yep, they need to visit Bull Street", was heard often in my childhood. There were people in my social circle who actually went. There seemed to be a pattern to the trips. Usually a husband sent his wife on enough visits to Bull Street, that she eventually enjoyed housework, kids, and staying home all the time without giving the husband lip. Now remember my childhood was back in the day before Prozac and Cymbalta. I think the wives I knew had some shock treatments and those little lovely pills called Valium. I never visited Bull Street then or now. My psychiatric stays were in an antebellum home converted to a hospital in Charleston.That was over thirty years ago. I am not sure if there are psychiatric hospitals still on Bull Street in Columbia or in an antebullum home in Charleston. What I do know is simple. An ambulance with people in white coats needs to pull up to the South Carolina governer's mansion, and take Mark Sanford out in a straight jacket. Then the ambulance needs to head immediately to Bull Street. I know Mark is from Beaufort and that is close to Charleston. But Bull Street is right there in the capitol. I believe he needs immediate shock treatments to his penis. Then he needs heavy dosages of anti-psychotics. He is certainly out of touch with reality. Describing his affair as a "love story" and then telling that he had "other encounters" but intends to " fall back in love with his wife" are all good reasons for my prescibed therapy. After completing his stay at Bull Street, he can rehab at John Edward's Mansion. John needs some company.