Dear David Letterman

Dear David Letterman,

I hope I am not violating copyright laws by using your top ten list format. If you must sue me, I will declare insanity and state one of my other personalities did it.

Sincerely, Cullie

Top Ten Ways To Tell You Grew Up In A Dysfunctional Home

10. Watching Jerry Springer is like watching a home movie.

9. You grow up without heat or hot water but your parents are on a first name basis with the car salesman at the Plymouth dealership.

8. There is no grass in the backyard because of all the new cars, trucks, and motorcycles parked there.

7. When it rains you have buckets to catch the water from the roof leak. After multiple rains and leaks you watch the plaster fall from the ceiling and wall.

6. You think all Dad's come home a couple times a month to beat their wife and yell at the kids.

5. You get to know the police from all the times you call the police to break up your parent's fights.

4. Your Mother has an affair with a man who buys your Dad's truck. Years later your Dad marries the man's widow.

3. Your Dad has an affair with the woman your Mother babysits for. They marry for a few years after your parent's divorce.

2. You have as many ex stepbrothers, stepsisters, and stepparents as Elizabeth Taylor's children.

1. You know you have a new stepfather because you come home Christmas and there is a wedding cake on the washing machine.