Under The Knife

This will be a short post that must last for awhile. Tomorrow I go under the knife for my sex change operation ie reconstruction of bowel and bladder. Today the husband and I leave for Chapel Hill. I start a bowel prep at 1:00 pm. I prefer to do that at a hotel as opposed to the husband's car. I am scared s---less over this surgery which is good since I need a clean colon by tomorrow. Just think now when I run, sneeze, laugh , or cry there will not be anything from either end coming out that should not come out. Need to run to get a hair cut before we leave. Maybe blue highlights just to cheer me up.

Hilary

If anyone has been watching the G-20 summit they have seen Hilary Clinton in the background. I have never been her fan but I hate to see her looking so exhausted. The bags under her eyes have bags under their eyes. On my flight to NYC last month my seatmate told me he had seen Hilary on several flights. He said she had gained weight and looked like hell. We both agreed living on a plane and dealing with world politics would do that to you. Obama was smart making her secretary of state. Hilary is too busy to make trouble for him. And by the way, have you seen Bill? He looks great. He is on David Letterman and whoever else will listen to him. When the cat is away the rat will play.

Another Memoir

Jenny Sanford has announced that she is going to write a memoir. The publishing company says that she will have help. That means someone else will write the book. Jenny will just dictate. Poor Jenny, did someone not tell her that Elizabeth Edwards just wrote the same book last year? Plus Elizabeth had a baby and hush money in her story. I think we would prefer a book from the "love story" lady of Argentina. That is probably juicier. All of us know about raising children and dealing with immature men.Why read about that when we can read a romantic love story in an exotic location. I would love to publish a book and would write it myself. Any suggestions on what I should do? Yesterday the husband stayed home sick. The heating and air company came to check the furnace. The service man is usually my age and looks like I feel. Yesterday the guy was hot with an awesome body. He had my furnace going. As he walked upstairs the husband said,"Who is that?" My response was " My boyfriend , we didn't know you would be home." The husband rolled his eyes. But that could be a bestseller. Suburban housewife has torrid affair with heating and air repairman with awesome body. Someone else would write this book because I would be busy getting my furnace stoked. But I digress from Jenny and Elizabeth. Remember the women with enough money that they don't need to air their dirty laundry in a memoir. I did read that John Edward's mistress and child are moving to Wilmington, N.C. Close to the Edward's Figure Eight home and not far from their Chapel Hill home. Now that is a book I will read.

Hitler

Having a sex change surgery requires lots of preparation. I have been busy getting ready for the big day on the 30th. That is why no recent blogs. Monday I took Chip to see his internal medicine vet. He has gained 6 pounds, Chip not the vet. While waiting for the appointment an older gentleman sat across from me. He was holding a large tabby cat. The cat appeared ill. What caught my eye was not the cat but the man. He looked just like Adolf Hitler. He had the small shifty eyes. He had the haircut with bangs. And most creepy he had the tiny mustache!!!!!!! I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. Shouldn't someone have told him to shave the mustache and change the hairdo? Did people click their heels and "Heil Hitler" when he walked by? Was he having a rehearsal for his Halloween costume? Was he playing Hitler in a play and ran his cat to the vet between shows? I even combed the vast trivia in my brain for information on children of Adolf Hitler. Maybe this man was a direct descendant of Hitler sitting in the vet's office in Charlotte, N.C.! The man never spoke so I have no clue if he spoke only German ,or in a guttural English accent, or just plain English. They called me back for Chip's appointment and I had to leave Hitler. When we were done he was gone. Since then I have been too busy in my life to worry about any Hitler descendant. If you know of this man please let me know the story.

Cotton and Hides

Tuesday was a long day. I left at 6:30 am for Chapel Hill and didn't get home until 6:30 pm. My surgery is a go now. Driving the interstate to Chapel Hill is a nightmare. I take the back roads. The drive is pretty and peaceful with lots of farms, animals, rolling hills, and Baden Lake. The cotton fields were magnificent, waves of green plants, cotton blooms, carolina blue sky, and red clay. Field after field I passed with cotton balls in bloom. I am always amazed that cotton is a plant. Driving through Chatam County I passed a business I had never noticed before. The sign was large and eye catching. Tan Your Hide Tanning Salon announced the sign. What a clever idea for a tanning salon. That is what you end up with spending your time baking your butt in a tanning bed - a hide!

Coughing and Hacking

Ever since returning from New York I have been hacking and coughing, coughing and hacking. I tried everything short of going to the doctor. I thought it would run it's course. The yuk didn't and the husband took me to the doctor. I have bronchitis. Tomorrow is my pre-surgical visit for my surgery scheduled on September 30th. Now I have visions of canceled surgeries in my head. I am going to lay low until the 30th. I do have Parent Weekends back to back starting this weekend. First stop is Tuscaloosa and then Atlanta. Describing my surgery to people is a bit awkward. When I say "I having reconstructive surgery of the colon and bladder" I get weird looks. Plus you can't tell some people that while they are eating, or just about when they are doing anything. Now I am saying I'm having a sex change operation. The responses are more lively and entertaining. Yesterday while hacking and coughing I thought who would I be if I were a man? After studying on this for quite a bit, I couldn't come up with just one man. I had several but only for certain traits they possessed. This is the man I would be if I were a man. I would have the brain of Albert Einstein, the communication ability of Henry Kissinger, the money of Bill Gates ( yes, I'd still do his charity stuff), the humor of George Clooney, the writing ability of Ernest Hemingway, the golf style of Tiger Woods, and the head and body of Tom Brady. I would be one bad man. Most people after their sex change do take a new name depending on which way they go. After my surgery just call me Bond, James Bond.

Woodstock

The husband and I watched the Woodstock festival Sunday. We were on a staycation over Labor Day weekend. Actually we have been on a staycation all summer. We listened to Jimmy Hendricks. Could you imagine being there when he played the Star Spangled Banner? The husband didn't like Janis Joplin then or now. I loved Janis then and now. She and I can do a mean "Me and Bobby McGee". Wonder how Jimmy and Janis would be living today? The husband said about half way through that he should have gone. Many of his college classmates from RPI did. That is when it hit me. All those rolling in the mud, pot smoking, LSD tripping, free love, peace, Woodstock participants are now all in their 50s and 60s. They are me and the husband. Overweight, bald , grey hair, Viagra addicts, tax payers, grandparents and gasp - maybe even Republicans! My children think the husband and I are so boring. Little do they know we were the generation of make love not war. Sing it Janis! Play it LOUD Jimmy!

Blog of Note

I am trying not to be competitive about my blog. However having " The Blog Of Note " pop up when I get ready to post, makes it hard. Of course I have to check them out. What do I see but lots of pictures, travels, videos, and hundreds of followers. One blog started a month before me and has over 300 followers and 1000's of hits to their profile. I have 10 followers which is actually 9 because 1 follower has herself twice. I have 110 hits to my profile. Not that I check the number. The other blog has a beautiful blonde with butt crunch videos and lots of picture. Do I need pictures? Do I need better topics? Do I need butt crunch videos? Do I need blonde hair? The reason I don't do pictures is one - I lost my camera, two - I don't know how to post them. I feel my blog is one of a higher caliber. My readers are of an intelligence that they don't need pictures to see my point. They use their imagination. My blog is on the line of first edition Shakespeare. A literary event to be savored like a fine wine. But if getting 300 followers takes me dying my hair blonde, I will. Anything for the cause of high brow literate.

Apology Blog

I read the column of Maureen Dowd Tuesday regarding cyberbullies and lawsuits. It seems a New York model was subjected to an online tormentor calling her skank, ho , and old hag. Now that I am part of the over 50 set I don't know how relevant those terms are to me. But anyway the model sued Goggle to get her tormentor's name, which she did. Now the tormentor is suing Goggle for giving the model her name. So I figure I need to apologize to any one in my blog that I have offended except of course John Edwards and Mark Sanford. They are not in a position to sue anyone calling them names. But before my official apology I do need to send out a shout to one person.

Dear Neighbor from hell, Bitch of all Bitches, Thinks her poop don't stink,

I am the lady that has lived behind you for 12 years. You know the one you have never spoken to or welcomed to the neighborhood. You did have your husband call once to yell because my dogs muddied your outdoor salon. I worked full time and my idiot children let the dogs out. You would have known that if you spoke to me. I even was your nurse once but you were so busy being the "doctor's wife" you didn't notice. I am glad that you reached such a high standing in your life, being a doctor's wife. However after way too many years of nursing and working long hours with the doctor gods, I could tell you stories that would wilt your little queen crown. Please refer to my posting regarding Poop of another color. You have a serious case of thinking your poop don't stink.

Sincerely,

Your neighbor behind you who hates your guts

Now that is off my chest, I apologize to anyone whom I may have offended in any of my blog postings. If you feel an apology is not enough and that you must sue me good luck getting any money. Remember the saying you can't get blood from a turnip? Well that explains my bank account.

Drama, Drama,Dog,Dog

Zeus growled and snarled at the pet sitter while I was in NYC. I came home to a dog behavior modification trainer appointment and lots of arguments with the husband. Do we keep the dog, do we put the dog to sleep, do we give the dog away, do the husband and I kill each? Those were the questions circling the wagon train and the homestead. Zeus just didn't want to get in his crate for the pet sitter or my husband. When Zeus doesn't want to do something he snarls and growls. Today the behavior modification dog trainer came for the first of six sessions. Zeus did great with everything but being tethered in the car seat. Tethering is seat belting them to the seat with a short lead.Zeus has to be tethered because he can jump out the window of the van. He did it at the car wash on the driver's side in a flash. Me,Chip and Shelley were like - "Holy Cow". The snarling and growling will become an extinct behavior according to the Paws-N-Order trainer. No fence. Zeus can jump the fence the neighbors have on one side of the yard. Border collies can jump. Never knew that until I got one. This weekend the son,who got me in this mess to begin with,is coming home to reinstall the electric fence in the backyard with his Dad. The son and Dad are fire on hot oil when they work together. Looking forward to an entertaining Labor Day weekend. It could only get better if my mother and mother-in-law came to visit too.

People Review

I can't go out of town without People backsliding. I am surprised I remain a loyal reader. If they don't get Jon and Kate off the front covers I am going to scream. Kate is going to whine forever about herself. Jon is now getting sex. Sex with eight children is hard to come by. But why are we putting them on the cover? Is the economy so bad that is all you have? When a dry week comes put a picture of a soldier's family or what about me? The other problem is not just with People. As an informed citizen I always read over all the current headlines in the checkout at the grocery store and Walmart. You know where Cheney gives interviews about communist plots and such. Headlines continue to scream about Jennifer Anniston's love life. Brad Pitt left her four kids ago. Move on. First it was she was in love with Bradley Cooper.Did she call these magazines and declare her love? Bradley Cooper is a player. That means his brain lives in his pants and his love life goes with hot and cold breezes. After all he did state in People he loved to play the ladies. Next he dumped Jennifer for Renee Zellweger. We know Bradley is a player so of course he will be seen with new women. A more important question that was not addressed was - are Jennifer and Renee girlfriends? As every girlfriend learns at an early age, girlfriends don't sleep with another girlfriend's boyfriend. That would have been a juicy story. Desperate movie star sleeps with girlfriend's boyfriend just to say she has a date. Now this week People says Jen had a sexy night out with Gerard Butler.And Bradley took Renee to his hometown. Leave Jen in peace. She is a skinny blonde with lots of money, girlfriends, and dogs. She has a house in Malibu. She doesn't need a man to be happy. Quit matching her up with everybody. We want the real dirt.Like girlfriends sleeping with other girlfriend's boyfriends.