Dog Park

I am just back from the dog park. Shelley met an awesome miniature dachshund named Tinkerbell. Shelley fell in love. We met three standard poodles with dreadlocks. The chocolate one's dreadlocks were highlighted. The white one and black one were natural dreadlocks. By that I mean their dreadlocks weren't highlighted. It was pretty cool if I say so myself. Made me want a frozen drink and listen to a little reggae.

Shopping For Clothes

I have a Christmas party that I want to look nice. Yesterday I headed to the mall with my daughter to find the perfect outfit. Shopping for clothing over 50 is a challenge. If you are a size 2 you must still struggle to not dress like a teenager. If your size changes throughout the day by what you eat like mine does, that is a bigger struggle. Spanx is the first thing you buy. I did find out there is a super booty holder spanx in the lingerie department stores. I didn't spring for that but I should have. I stopped in several stores that were a no go even though they had petites. I did go in the St. John's store. A very helpful lady showed me a stunning red jacket that would have been awesome to wear to the party. The price was $1,395.00. I sadly demurred. But after that no matter what I bought was a bargain.

Help!

I have a terrible problem. Someone is stuffing my upper thighs, abdomen and upper arms with cottage cheese while I sleep. I wake up with all these dimples in all the places I just mentioned. If anyone knows who is doing this or is experiencing the same problems please contact me ASAP!

Bristol Palin

I know you think this post is about Bristol and Willow Palin's posts on Facebook. Nope. I am not going there. After being on Facebook for a year I am forever amazed what people post about themselves. Do I want to know every boring detail of their boring life? Of course we wont discuss my blog posts. No the reason this post is titled Bristol Palin is about her on Dancing With The Stars. I watched maybe two seasons of Dancing With The Stars with my husband. We enjoyed the dancing but tired of all the other junk they kept adding on. So other than what I read in People and the paper I am clueless about the show's status. I guess Bristol Palin is awful but still dancing. Last night a man from Wisconsin settled that matter the best he could. When Bristol started dancing he got his shotgun and blew his television away. Now he doesn't have to watch Bristol Plain dance or anything as a matter of fact. The police came after he threatened the wife. There was an all night standoff with the SWAT team. I hope he doesn't know about her mother's reality show.

The Yorkie

I missed yesterday. Life gets busy. Today I went to my bi-monthly acupuncture appointment. A very elderly lady was leaning at the desk counter writing a check. A younger carbon copy of her was holding a little bitty Yorkie wrapped in a towel. I had no idea who was the patient until the daughter introduced me to "Abigail". Abigail is a 13 year old Yorkie,and her knees hurt. Dr. Kim is treating them with acupuncture. The mother and the owner of Abigail said it was working. Abigail was very bossy until her knees started bothering her. She is bossy again now that they feel better. The daughter made the next appointment for Abigail that wouldn't interfere with her job hours. Then she,her mother and Abigail left. I got my acupuncture wondering all the while how a 5 pound dog is bossy.

She's Back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't realize it has been two months since I posted. My blog must not be too popular or there would have been protests in the streets. I have been busy with trips and life. Plus my diseases make me so tired that lots of days are spent doing nothing. But I am back and promise to entertain all with my witty mind. There has been some heart stopping news in the entertainment field. David Cassidy was arrested for DUI in Florida. And Eddie Munster is in rehab in Virginia. Eddie hooked up with a fan online, married her and moved to Virginia. I don't think the marriage is working since he is in rehab. And what the hell is David Cassidy doing in Florida? I thought he lived in LA and did shows with his daughter and some shows in Vegas. I never was a David Cassidy fan. I loved Bobby Sherman. I can't even remember why or what show he was in. Who knows?He may be living in Charlotte. I will just have to wait until he gets a DUI to find out for sure.

Cell Phones

I am used to seeing women talking on their cell phones while walking around a store revealing their whole world to anyone within ear shot. Thinking about it,I have never seen a man yakking away om his cell phone about his personal life. Granted I have heard lots of business talk. More than I wanted to hear. But just when you think you know all the facts you get thrown a curve ball. Out doing errands the other day, there sat a man in his big old work trunk having it out with someone in his family. I wanted to listen to this entertaining rant but his truck was parked on his job site. There would be no reason to stand there unless I was eavesdropping. Which I wasn't and would never do. I went about my shopping, returning about an hour later. There sat that man in his work truck still giving whoever was on the other line hell. So he blew my theory about men and personal calls. Plus I hope he was on his lunch hour. And I still dying to know what he was so angry about. But I would never eavesdrop. No I never would. I guess I should have just asked him.

Alive and Well

God is alive and well. I know. I saw him on Saturday. He walked into a football stadium in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Over 101,000 people stood and cheered. His name is Nick Saban. He walks on water. Just ask any Crimson Tide fan.

Mammograms

As if I don't have enough medical appointments, I have had a mammogram every 6 months
for two years. A spot on the left breast needed to be followed. I have been flat chested all my life. How could there be room for a spot? The spot was nothing. I am back to yearly mammograms. The reason for this post is simple. If men had to stand while placing their penis between two cold, hard slabs that compress the penis while the slab moved upward, and then told to hold it while a picture was made - billions of dollars would be spent on research to find a better solution for screening. I am just saying.

Finally North Carolina

I feel bad because so many of my posts about weird things from the newspaper are in South Carolina. Today I am happy to report I found something weird in North Carolina. Well two weird things actually. One happened in Graham, N.C. on Friday. Police were called to check out a foul odor in downtown Graham. It seems that a body picked up nine days prior had been left in a hearse at a funeral home. They had picked up the woman in Carrboro. She had been dead a week before she was discovered. No family could be found. The undertaker said he would put her on ice but it must have slipped his mind. However don't you think the smell would have been a clue to unpack the hearse? The N.C. Board of Funeral Services are investigating. All I can say is I drove through Graham last Friday and it was hot as Hades.

Next item is less odorous depending on the man's personal hygiene. This happened in Lincolnton at a Baptist Church. Deputies were called to the church because shots were being. fired. They got there to find a naked man on the porch with another man taking cover behind a truck. The naked man reached for his gun when the deputies went to arrest him. The paper did not say where the gun was before he reached for it. I am trying not to think about that part. The deputies used a taser gun on the naked man. The paper did not say where the taser gun hit him. I am trying not to think about that either. The one thing I am thinking about are the lax dress codes for churches today. This naked man took "come as you are" to a whole new meaning.

A Candy Red Mercedes Convertible

Yesterday I took Shelley and Chip to the dog park. The humidity was down so you could actually walk the five acres without sweat dripping down into your underwear. On our way back I passed a beautiful bright candy red Mercedes convertible. Top down but with windows rolled up. The driver and only occupant was elderly. That was no surprise. Most hot expensive cars in Charlotte are driven by old men. The young ones can't afford them. But what caught my eye after the color was the handicapped sticker hanging from the mirror and the walker in the backseat. When I pulled up beside him at a light I could see I had been kind to call him elderly. Older than dirt would have been more accurate. But hey the man is living the last years in style. I gave him a big wave when he drove away.

Aretha, PBS, and the Spinners

Last night I watched a PBS special with Aretha Franklin and the Soul music of the 60's and 70's. I poured myself a glass of wine and proceeded to enjoy. Next thing I knew the dogs and I were dancing. Zeus and Shelley danced together and I danced alone. I knew lots of the words and sang along really loud. No one was home but me. Percy Sledge, the Temptations,the Chi-Lites, Jackie Wilson and on and on. The Spinners brought back special memories. I saw them at Wake Forest when I was 22 or so. I had a blind date that was the pits. But the concert was incredible. Last night I closed my eyes and I was right back at that auditorium. Singing with the Spinners, dancing to the music, and cheering. Those memories are what you miss. Plastic surgery, starvation diets, and spanx wont bring that back. But just for one hour last night Aretha and PBS did.

Portion Size

I am at doctor's appointments way too much. Yesterday I was in Chapel Hill getting my cauterized tear ducts checked. While waiting for my eyes to dilate I was reading an article on portion control. The correct portion size for a bowl of cereal is the size of your fist. This morning I poured out my cereal. I put my fist over the portion to measure. The portion was the size of my butt not my fist. That might explain a few things about my clothes being so tight.

Me and my Cymbalta

I have been on 90 mgm of Cymbalta for several years without any hitches. About a month ago I got this genius idea to start getting it through our mail order pharmacy. Save the husband's company money, save us money , and all I have to do is walk to the mailbox to pick it up. That is if you remember to order it on time. Saturday I got out my medicine basket. Yes a basket but that is another blog post. My cymbalta bottle was sadly empty. Panic ensued and I left frantic messages to my doctor. Phone in my medication to Wal-Mart to tide me over. Because now I have to wait a week for my mail order to arrive. Sunday came with no phone calls from the doctor. I talk to the pharmacist at Wal -Mart. "How many days can I go without my Cymbalta?" "No days" is his prompt reply. "I am pretty edgy right now." "You will get edgier." Now I am pacing and shaking. Will I drop to the floor and scream and pull out my hair? No I will do laundry and watch the husband make egg plant parmigiana. Yesterday I woke up with a raging headache and itchy trigger finger. Thank goodness there were no guns in the house. By afternoon I was on a bench at the pharmacy in Wal-Mart. Patiently I waited while the pharmacist called my insurance company to explain that yes the idiot forgot to order her Cymbalta on time. Mail order takes 7 to 10 business days. She has gone without 3 doses. She is pacing around our bench. Her eyes are rolling in her eye sockets. Her neck keeps twitching. And no I don't think she is packing. The cashier presents me with my "tide me over" pills. I gulp down my dose right there at the counter. Of course I had paid for them first. Today all is right with my world. I am so glad we don't have guns in the house.

John Daly

I watched the British Open this weekend. At least there was somewhere that wasn't 1000 frigging degrees. John Daly was up front in the beginning. He made the cut and didn't have to find a Hooter's parking lot to sell autographs. But he is still the train wreck waiting to happen. Yes he has had his lap band surgery. Yes he only smokes a few cigarettes on the course. Yes he only guzzles diet coke between holes. Maybe an occasional beer. But he still has a women traveling with him tournament to tournament. I don't keep up if it is the same one each time. Or if he married her. Or if she bore his children. Listing all his kids, wives and others would use up all my blog space. But I remember John Daly arriving on the golf scene knocking the hell out of the ball. You just knew he was going somewhere. Somewhere he has. Wearing the most outrageous and hideous clothes on the tour for money. Even the skinny bitches at my country club who wear those pants can't make them look good. So I feel John is just simmering right now and gonna blow up again any day. His extra bright clothes will make a nice explosion. I hope all the young golfers with great promise I watched play this weekend heed my warning. Following in John Daly's footsteps will have you prancing around like a Mardi Gras float on the golf course. Even Tiger is still wearing black and red.

Long Marriage

In November I will be married for 28 years. Basically I have been married half my life. Don't have any secrets to share about why I am still married. Marriage is definitely the hardest job I have had. I am beginning to think travel conquers all. The husband came home last night about 8:30. I haven't seen him in five days. First of all I thought he wasn't due in until tonight. So had the excitement of who is the man coming into my bedroom? Then the excitement of seeing him and then watching him unpack and go to bed. Now he is in his man cave working. I spoke to him briefly. He has given me so many instructions on when I can speak to him and not that briefly is best. Now I am leaving for the yarn store to work my five hours. So today my take on a long marriage is lots of travel separately. Remember absence makes the heart fonder.

Chip is Gone

After suffering for over 15 months with myasthenia gravis Chip went to Dog Heaven. I know he went to heaven because he loved us so much. Heaven is for those who love others. So as they say all dogs go to heaven.I really miss him. I know Shelley does. Zeus not at all. Chip's last few weeks were not good but we told him everyday we loved him. The vet sent us a special book called Dog Heaven. It says that when the dogs are tired in heaven they jump to a cloud, circle round and round until the cloud is just right and go to sleep. That will be Chip. But he will be lying on his back asleep on his cloud with his legs in the air.

Wash Your Money

You are told to wash your hands for so many reasons - after going to the bathroom, before eating, and just about for anything. Now you need to wash your hands after handling any money. Better yet, wash your money. I say this because of an incident that occurred Monday at Carowinds. Carowinds is an amusement park in York,S.C. An employee stole $813.00. The security personnel recovered it from her underwear. So I am just saying wash your hands and your money. You never know where it has been.

Noodles

I am watering my plants on the front porch when the children from next door walk over. They are all still in their pajamas with their hair sticking out everywhere. They ask me if they can borrow some noodles. I say, "Sure, what kind ?" The oldest boy says "Any kind". "Ya'll come in the house and you can pick out the kind you want." I drag the dogs into their crates and proceed to the pantry. "Why do ya'll want noodles?" "We are going to the beach." "What beach?" "Fripp Island." "Oh nice, I have always wanted to go to Fripp." By now we are at the pantry and I pull out some egg noodles. " How about these?" Three pairs of children eyes look blankly from me to the egg noodles. Finally the oldest says, "Noodles for the beach." A light bulb finally lights in my head. "Oh noodles for the beach. I don't have any noodles but I have boogie boards and skimmer boards." All three children beam. We go back out to the garage and gather boogie boards, skimmers boards and a flying disc. I think they will be lots happier at Fripp with that instead of a bag of egg noodles.

Being Loud

This is the time of year people head to the beach. You go with your family, your friends or maybe just a close buddy. Things happen when you are away from from your home and normal schedule. You can expect some heated words or even a minor skirmish between friends and family. Depending on how tight the beach accommodations depends on how everyone gets along. If you are sharing a room you probably need to establish ground rules about visitors and being loud. A Myrtle Beach man was charged with assaulting his roommate. The victim was visiting another apartment. When he returned his roommate was having loud sex with a woman. He yelled for them to be quiet. His roommate jumped up and stabbed him in the hand. Now the paper didn't tell me if they live at the beach or were there on vacation. But I would set some ground rules. If you know your roommate will have loud sex get ear plugs or better yet, leave the apartment. If you like loud sex get a room for a couple hours. I know this is a hard one to deal with. In my Emily Post's Etiquette Book there was nothing listed for loud sex.

Sex Video

There is a lady in this area very upset at an old boyfriend. Seems he videotaped them having sex and downloaded the tape on YouTube. She called the police and I guess the relationship is history. Now in the dating world not only do you have to worry about STD's, creeps, and actually getting a date,
you get to worry if you are on YouTube getting it on. Thank goodness I am married. If the husband wanted to videotape us we would have to buy a video camera. Then we would have to learn to use the thing. Plus neither one of us has a clue how to download the video to YouTube. And after we did all that stuff we would be too tired to perform. But all in the dating world beware! Check for hidden cameras before getting too cozy.

Three Dogs

I love my dogs,all three of them. They keep me busy and more active than I want. They are big. That makes everything more work. Bigger leashes, bigger bowls, bigger poops, and bigger barks. So today I have decided that after my three dogs are gone I want a little, lazy dog.

NAPW

I received an e-mail yesterday notifying me that I qualify for membership in the National Association of Professional Women. This association honors the country's most accomplished professional women. I have five days to sign up with no fees. Then I will be in a network of thousands of professional women. Now I haven't nursed in about 4 years. I work a few hours a month in a yarn shop. And last I blog ( not much lately) on Cullie Chats. So I am in a quandary figuring out what exactly my profession is. A professional could even be a hooker for all I know. I have a feeling this is just a mass e-mail sent to suckers like me. From all I am reading about facebook selling everyone's privacy out, they probably got my info there. Then they read this blog and said this woman is a professional. I am not pushing the join button. I know I am a professional in all I do. I don't need an association to prove it.

Friday

Today is Friday. I think most of you know that. My biggest plans for the day is going to the dog park. The dog park is the best way for three dogs to have B.M.s at the same time. Kinda of like going to the super Wal-Mart and getting all your shopping done at once. The husband is working in his cave/ home office today. That eliminates having any men friends over. Not that there are any to come but I am just throwing that out there. I did gain weight over the beach trip so I am only wearing my stretchy clothes. I think it is all fluid because of the heat and not all the food and wine I consumed. I might do laundry today but probably not, even though I can only wear my stretchy clothes. Depending on what type of husband emerges from the cave determines what I will do tonight. Tomorrow I work at the yarn shop. And tomorrow is Saturday.

Where Did She Go

Forget ever being a blogger of note or even a blogger. I am dragging my ass lately on this blog. I can blame it on nothing more exciting than Al and Tipper Gore breaking up. They prove money doesn't buy happiness. I don't want to discuss the oil spill. That is like an alcoholic family member - don't talk about it and it doesn't exist. Besides everyday I crank my car and use the oil spewing who knows where. I could blame all my diseases but that is so last year. How about plain ole laziness? That is as good as excuse as any. I did spend a week at the beach without a computer. Which reminds me. I read an article in the Myrtle Beach paper about this recurrent domestic call. Seems a wife kept throwing the phone in the toilet. Mainly because women kept calling her husband. The husband reassured the police he was moving out so there would be no further problems. There were hints the wife might not be right. Obviously the husband is a few short. Don't give your home phone number to your girlfriends. you ijidit! So I promise to blog everyday even if I say the same thing every day. You know like Sarah Palin's speeches. Same speech no matter where she is. Roger and out!

How to Diaper a Dog

Diapering a dog is not as easy as it sounds. First at the pet store you have to figure out what size by weight. Second you have to decide do you want totally disposable ones or a washable panty in denim with disposable liners. Third you have to get over the fact that the disposable ones cost $20.00 for 12 and that the denim panty is $30.00. The fun begins when you put on the disposable diaper on the actual dog. Chip has a long furry tail like a plume rising above his back. Handsome for him, a bitch to get through the tail hole in a dog diaper. He does stand still while I tug and pull the diaper over his tail. Now I have to tape the two ends over his bony hips. The first attempt goes well but leaves his peepee out. Since that is the root of the problem a re-taping is required. The peepee is covered and he can walk. When it is time to take him outside I remove his diaper and it is dry. So is his bed where he slept. I put it back on after our trip outside. This time he and I both are pros. He sleeps until time for me to go to bed. I wake him up and he slowly staggers up leaving a trail of urine behind him. The diaper has shifted and the peepee is out!. I remove the diaper and take him outside. We come back in and I put on a clean diaper. ( We have already lost over a dollar on the first diaper. ) Upstairs we go to hopefully have a dry and peaceful night. This morning Chip wakes me up barking to eat and diaper less. His diaper is lying on the floor still intact. How he got out I don't know. The diaper is dry as is the floor and Chip. Right now he has no diaper on and I am pondering this problem for a solution.

The best way to sum this up is like when a bad guy asks Raylan on Justified about another bad guy his response is always the same. "And how did that go?"

Justified

I have a new television show I am crazy about. The name is Justified and it is on FX on Tuesdays nights. I love the acting, the actors, and the story. The script is based on a short story by Elmore Leonard. That makes it a reason to watch right off. The setting is Kentucky. So far there have been six episodes. I will be so sad when the season ends. You need to check it out. Remember I have impeccable taste and am always right about television.

Taking Drugs

I have been out of commission for awhile. I am taking a new medicine to combat my Sjogren's. The medicine is Plaquenil.It is mainly used to treat malaria although it is found to help rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. There are abundant side effects. Some that go away and some that require stopping the medication. Lots are the usual you hear on the commercials. But some sound pretty exciting and unique. Like change in the color of your skin, hair loss, mental or mood changes , and peeling skin. The most intriguing is bizarre behavior. I don't know how you diagnose that one. What seems bizarre to me may not be to you. I have just told the husband to let me know if I am acting bizarre. But if I am acting bizarre and he tells me will I do anything about it? Do you see what I am saying? But luckily I have only been dizzy and nauseated. I drove one day and got so dizzy I had visions of me being on the 6:00 news in the middle of Harris Teeter sitting in my van. I stopped driving until the dizziness was under control.The one thing I am so pissed about is the drug causes weight loss. Have I even lost a pound? No! But that maybe because I have been eating strawberry shortcake to treat my nausea.

Working on the New Vow.

Today is 90 degrees. All my errands and dog park activities have to be early. I am racing around like a mad women to get out of the house. As I head to the garage I remember my vow I took in Wal-Mart to never end up on the Wal-Mart people postings. The last thing I want to do is trudge upstairs and slap on make-up. My huge brain goes into action. I grab a ball cap covering up my wild hair and icky face. I am so smart.

Another Heads Up

I read this about a week ago and kept forgetting to send out the heads up. The feds are on Facebook and MySpace,LinkedIn and Twitter, too. They are assuming fake identities and friending people. They have arrested some people just by intensive facebook searching. Last year some teachers here in Charlotte lost their jobs for having inappropriate postings and pictures on Facebook. Several complained about their jobs and the children. So my advice to everyone on the internet " The world and the FBI are watching. Think about what you say about your job, life , and fellow man". Come to think of it my blog is pretty open. The FBI could be watching my blog. That might get me blog of note for being the first FBI monitored blog. I still only have 16 followers so I need that extra push. I guess I better remove the sentence about killing the old man.

New Vow

Mornings are not my time. I crawl out of bed tight,swollen and painful. The more I move around the more nauseated I get. So needless to say it takes me awhile to get out of the house. Yesterday I did lots around the house and then left to run errands. To conserve energy and get more done I went without make-up and just my tie-dyed dress. While in Wal-Mart I ran to the bathroom to relieve myself of a large unsweetened tea with lemon. On my way to the stall I saw this incredibly frightening woman in the bathroom mirror. Hair sticking up everywhere, pale face with red splotches, and just a tie-dyed dress. I recognized the dress first. It looked just like the one I had on because the horror in the mirror was me! Then I really panicked. I was in Wal-Mart looking like this. Someone may have already taken my picture and posted in on the internet in those Wal-Mart people posts. Furtively I looked around to see if anyone was taking my picture. Th coast was clear. I raised my fist to the sky, well actually to the Wal-Mart bathroom ceiling, and said "As God is my witness I will never go out in public looking like this again". I guess we will see how that goes.

Working at Home

With my diseases piling up and no hope of going back to nursing I think of jobs I might do at home. You know those jobs on the infomercials where "You can make $10,000 a month from the comfort of your home". So far nothing appeared doable until this weekend when I read an article about a woman in S.C. Seems she started a very lucrative home business. She put up a stripper pole in her mobile home, charged admission, served beer, and danced. Now that's thinking! Studies have shown that dancing on a stripper pole is a great cardio workout. This is a no brainer - a cardio program for my health, working out of my home, no taxes, and hopefully some good tips. I know there is some overhead. Putting up the pole. I wouldn't want to skimp on that. Right in the middle of my dance the pole and ceiling could collapse. Getting the perfect costumes to flatter my "aging gracefully" figure. Having the right person to check id's and serve beer. The lady in S.C. had a 12 year old boy as one of her client's when the police busted her. Which brings me to my last expense - bribe money for the police. Law and Order always talks about police hush money during raids at massage parlors.

Bustin Out

Yesterday was a weird day. I thought I worked 3 to 8 until I checked the calender. I saw I worked 10 to 4. I checked the calender at 9 so basically I grabbed my purse and went to work. I had on my comfy oldest jeans. They were a little snug at first but hey it was day one. Work was moving along when one of the popular girls stopped by. I was on the floor working on pattern books and got up to greet her. Without thinking I gave her a full view of the rear. She kindly said "You have some holes in your pants." To which I responded "Yeah in the front." "No", she said,"In the back." I put my hand on my rear and she was right. The whole inner seam was holding on by threads and one pocket was ripped down the side. I remember thinking how loose my jeans felt when I first got to work. They were loose from making big holes. I guess you call this " bustin out". What I am most grateful for was having a friend to watch my back. Some nice mealy mouth person might not have told me to spare my feelings. But my popular girl friend even told me the color of my underwear. The only thing that saved my butt was my shirt was long.

Cullie

My first name is Cullie but I go by my middle name Diane. I was named after my grandmother. I would have preferred to have been called by my first name no matter what it was. The first day of school was always a nightmare. There are not many Cullie's around and most are men. On one of my favorite English shows "Midsomer Murders" the daughter's name is Cully. I googled Cullie yesterday. This is what I found - An Old English word used in the 1700's to refer to a prostitute.

Gardening

Spring is here and I think of digging in the dirt. Gardening is great therapy for me. Our first house in Milwaukee had a beautiful landscaped yard. The previous and only owner took me under her wing and I slowly learned about annuals,perennials,soil and seasons. Off to Chicago where we worked hard on our yard and got a neighbor award. In Boston I belonged to a wonderful garden club where I learned to appreciate greens as well as flowers. Our land in Rockford had a beautiful perennial garden. Greensboro was where I was able to landscape my yard with the flowers I loved. I had lots of blue perennials that I mixed with annuals.My garden club was more social than working but I learned all kinds of things and never missed the garden tours. Now in Charlotte things have been not so good.I came with the desire to continue gardening. My attempts for annuals in the front yard were unsuccessful. What the deer didn't eat my lovely and friendly neighbors would let their dogs pee,poop and dig up. In the backyard I concentrated on vegetables and herbs. I worked hard on one area near the deck to plant asparagus. Asparagus is such a beautiful plant. The first son concocted a potion to kill the asparagus so he wouldn't have to eat any. The potion was so successful nothing has grown there since. Now I just grow herbs in boxes on the deck and flowers in my planters on the front porch. When I move I plan to have gardens all over the place. Saturday I read about a lady in Colorado who has run afoul of her neighbors while she gardens. It seems she likes to garden in a thong. Last year she wore pasties with the thong. I can see where pasties might be uncomfortable while digging in the dirt. The woman is 52. I only saw her head shot but even a woman of 52 in great shape is not attractive in a thong, especially bent over. Her husband is quite indignant about the complaints. He likes to hang out with his wife gardening in his thong too. Maybe instead of me worrying about having the proper soil for flower beds I just need to get out in my yard in a thong. A green one would be nice to start with don't you think ? And to my backyard neighbor who has never spoke to me, I will only allow her to see the backside of my thong.

Errands

The eye procedure wasn't bad but I would not recommend it unless it is a medical necessity. It took me a week to feel better. I was just wiped. The husband has a wicked cold. He hacked, coughed and wheezed all Friday night. Yesterday I said stay home and I will do your errands. He gave me a long list and I went to Wal-Mart and the cleaners. I took the dogs so he wouldn't yell for the second son to take them out. I returned to find he went to the grocery store while I was gone. When I confronted him he made some smart remark about it killing me to do his errands. The reason I did his errands was so he would stay home and not contaminate the world with his crud. Whatever. Some day I am going to kill his ass.

Another Procedure

I seem to spend all my time getting medical procedures. I don't think I asked for this. I just seem to keep needing them. Today I go to have my tear ducts cauterized. I don't like messing with my eyes or having anyone else mess with them. In fact I don't like messing with other people's eyes. When I used to work in pre-op getting the cataract surgeries ready I kept my eyes closed as much as possible. Dealing with eyes just makes my innards scream. So needless to say I am a wreck. Big time wreck. The husband is taking me. I tried to drown my fears in wine last night but the husband and second son gave me the riot act. I went to bed early and read knitting magazines and Hercule Poirot. That is a good distraction. The doctor told me after he inserted the plugs to be sure and get someone to bring me for the cauterization. That my eyes would swell and be painful after the numbing wore off. I have never had a doctor say the word pain. Their favorite line is " It will be a little uncomfortable". So I am not looking forward to the numbing medicine to wear off. In fact I am not looking forward to anything about today.

Lil Wayne

Last night was one of tossing and turning, punching the pillow and no sleep. I am so worried about Lil Wayne. He is on Rikers Island serving a one year sentence for having a semiautomatic pistol on his tour bus in 2007. After all these years of watching all the Law and Orders we know about Rikers Island. Threatening the criminals with Rikers always gets them to confess on the show. So you see my concern. But Lil Wayne plea bargained a 12 month sentence and went peacefully saying it was God's will. He said he avoided getting tips on prison life. He didn't say where he would have gotten those tips - the internet or his home boys. Lil Wayne ended by saying "This is Lil Wayne going to jail. Nobody I can talk to can tell me what that's like. I just say I'm looking forward to it." Don't you love someone who has enough confidence to refer to themselves in the third person. There is no fear of him coming out with prison tats. I don't think there is any space available on his body. I don't think he can keep his metal stud in his lip. I would think that would be a weapon. And what about all the grills on his teeth? He could chomp down on another inmate and do some serious damage, kinda of like a pit bull bite. He has been Twittering like crazy so I guess he got to keep his cell phone. I now have to fit into my schedule his twitter. That should make me sleep better. Lil Wayne recorded a ton before going in. That way we won't know he is gone. That is good because he can't sing without all that electronic stuff. Plus singing in the shower in prison might not be so good especially when you lean over to get the soap. There are polls to vote for who will have the best career prison comeback. Evidently T.I.'s career is awesome. I guess I will get me a candle, make it some grill out of aluminum foil and light it every night until Lil Wayne is safe at home with an even bigger career.

Yesterday

This weekend was Baskets of Yarn's annual knitting retreat. Instead of being in Boone, N.C. it was held at the shop. All went well. I enjoyed seeing all the old friends and making new ones. Although I was not very involved with the preparation this year I worked both days. Needless to say I was dead yesterday. I slept until 10:00 and went straight to the couch. I only got up to pee, walk the dogs and feed myself and the dogs. I ate a muffin, approximately half of a pound of linguine with clam sauce, and half of an apple pie. I went back to bed at 8:00 p.m. With all my carbo loading I was able to go to the dog park today. Of course I wore my "body enhancing underwear" and spandex yoga pants to allow for all the food I ate at the retreat and yesterday.

Jeff Bridges

I have not seen the movie Jeff Bridges won for the Oscars. Several people on Facebook have said it was good. I am just happy he won. He stood on the red carpet with his wife of 33 years beaming and holding her hand. That says more than words about him.I have always enjoyed seeing his movies so I better see this one. He looked nice in his tux too.

The Oscars

Just finished watching the Oscars. They aren't over but they just got too boring to watch any longer. I do have some opinions to post. Is Kathy Ireland pregnant or is just copying my bloated belly and IBS? Who did Sarah Jessica Parker's spray tan? She looked liked me at 16 with a bottle of QT. I loved Sandra Bullock's dress. She looked like an Oscar winner. Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep showed me that aging gracefully is beautiful. Zac Efron copied my hair style when I wake up in the morning. George, oh George, you need a haircut. You did not look your best for the Oscars. Even a gorgeous Italian eye candy could not make the hair look better. I know you are pining for me. I am your epitome of the perfect women but alas I remain married. I don't plan to knock off the husband any time soon George so get a haircut. Well I will read the results in the AM of the last few winners I missed. I am thinking of switching to Tom Sellack as my next husband after this one dies. His hair always looks good.

The Elephant in the Room

There is an elephant in the room and I can't ignore it anymore. I want to see a female as President before I die. When my daughter was born the first thing I said was "She will be the second female President after Elizabeth Dole". We all know Elizabeth crashed and burned after becoming N.C. Senator. I didn't support Hillary. I feel she is all for what will get Hillary ahead. Now here comes Sarah Palin. People swarm to hear her message. But if you follow her ascent that is no substance, kinda like those decaff,low fat, artificially sweetened lattes women drink. She hasn't ever completed anything she started but her marriage. So I have come to realize I just have to suck it up and vote for any woman when they run and hope for the best. I mean look at all the male politicians and all their screw-ups. New York and South Carolina voted for incompetent Governors and Lt. Governors. And John Edwards helped take the heat off women candidates. A hundred dollar haircut for him keeps the scrutiny off any woman candidate's haircut.

BUZZ

I try to keep current with all the stuff happening. I will not twitter. Facebook has been good to connect with people but I refuse to play the games. I text it just takes me awhile.I now prefer to e-mail than try to track someone down on the phone. I can even remember being insulted that someone had the gall to use an answering machine in their home. Who did they think they were? Today I finally checked out that BUZZ thing. It says I have 16 followers. That is more than this blog. Remember how I wanted to be blog of note? I have given up on that. But what the hell is BUZZ?

Jerry Springer

I admit when I channel surf I do watch snippets of Jerry Springer. I have wondered where they get the people who appear on the show and why. There never seems to be any resolution made between the people. Just lots of fighting and hair pulling, mainly by the women. What brings me to the show is I actually know someone who appeared on the show. Well I don't actually know him. But I did read about him in the paper. Seems a man in the local area went on the show with his girlfriend and the stripper he cheated on his girlfriend with. The show was pretty exciting with the man and his girlfriend duking it out while the stripper did a mean pole dance. I hate I missed the show. But the icing on the cake so to speak for the man was his parole officer was watching the show. I guess being on Jerry Springer is a parole violation plus crossing state lines doesn't help. So now the man sits in jail. Where I don't know. A few days after the article appeared, a letter to the editor asked what was the probation officer doing watching Jerry Springer during his work time. My immediate thought was he was catching a parole violator. But after further thought not all of the contestants come from this area. I will ponder further on this and maybe blog more later.

A Great Day

To keep my spirits up I try to think of things that make a great day. The first thing to come to mind is the third day wearing my blue jeans. That first day is the killer sucking everything in just to get your pants zipped. Day two is better with more breathing room. Day three is the great day! You feel young, thin , and happy. You get a quarter pounder with cheese at the drive through. You drip grease all over the jeans. You wash them and wait for day three to arrive. Because that is always a great day!

Shame on them

If you read the newspapers or watch the news you know people are still unemployed with no health insurance.Those that still have jobs are working harder for less money to compensate for the people let go. Companies have cut people's pay instead of increasing it. Recent college graduates are working at any job they can get including fast food restaurants. We have two sons in college with the husband's job struggling with the economy and myself too sick to work. So imagine my emotions when I read the front page today. The executive pay of the Bank of America is listed in an article. Tom Montag, president of global banking and markets made $29.9 million in 2009. This is after the bailout and oh yeah he was with Merrill Lynch. Greg Curl, former risk officer, made $9.9 million. Brian Moynihan ,former head of consumer banking, now chief executive, made $6 million. Joe Price, former chief financial officer, now head of consumer banking, made $ 6 million. Remember taxpayer money that our great-great-great-great grandchildren will still be paying off bailed that bank out. I hope Andrew Cuomo keeps digging so these idiots are held to standards the rest of us follow. How about all that money going to pay off the bailout? I know that will be a sacrifice for these men. They may have to have a staycation, forget the new wing on the house, send the children to a neighborhood school, buy their clothes off the rack, eat at home and the wife may have to get a job, clean the house and cook the meals. You know all the stuff the rest of us do every day.

Lemons

Yesterday I had to have a post mammogram. That is what I am calling it. You know where you already had the mammogram and they call back to say "You need a more in depth test but hey don't worry". So any way I am sitting in the little room in that paper blue shirt waiting for my post mammogram results. The television is on HLN or some stuff that I have no interest in. You would think they would do Lifetime Network Movies or something. On second thought I guess not. The movie would be right at the good part and women wouldn't leave. I start digging through the magazines to find something to read. I can't just sit still. I didn't bring my knitting. Shame on me. All the magazines are about losing 20 pounds in 30 days, re-doing your home at a garage sale , and going green. I picked up the newest Family Circle. After flipping some pages and skimming some articles I found a tidbit of info worth keeping. Use a lemon on your armpits if you run out of deodorant. The article didn't specify it being sliced or cut but I assume you would. Now I have pondered over that for quite awhile and see that as a great tip. You are at a crowded , overheated bar or restaurant. You are sweating to death. You worry that you are reeking of b.o. Order a drink with a lemon slice. When it arrives swipe that lemon slice under your armpit and your worries are over. I would probably ask for two lemons though. One for your armpits and one for your drink. I know this tip won't make you lose 20 pounds, or re-do your house but I definitely think using lemon for your deodorant is going green.

Naps

I finally found some good news in my diseases. Fatigue is a big symptom in all of them. I get tired of saying I am tired because I am tired all the time. Naps are one of my biggest activities. Wake up in the morning, take out and feed the dogs, eat breakfast, and take a nap. Wake up from the nap, take out and feed the dogs, eat lunch, and take a nap. Wake up from the nap, take out the dogs, and go to bed. If naps were an Olympian sport, I would be drowning in gold medals. Last night on the news what do I hear but a recent study says afternoon naps make you smarter. Well as you can see with my schedule I am a genius!!!!!!!!! You gotta love recent studies and their findings.

The Walk

The husband and I took all three dogs for a walk yesterday. The day was beautiful with a high of 65. Our walk started at 6:30 pm. I took Chip and Shelley. The husband took Zeus or the Z man as the husband calls him. Zeus broke his Halti collar the night before. With just his slip collar he was rearing to go. We got to the cul de sac and all three dogs had the mandatory poop. We picked all these up and proceeded on the walk. A neighbor walking his dog went by on the street below. Zeus twisted his neck right and left. Bingo he was out of his collar and running down the street after the dog and neighbor. The husband stood there with a collar, a leash, and a bag of poop. He turned around and walked back to the house. I took the two dogs still in their collars and leashes in search of Houdini/Zeus. We found Zeus running around having the time of his life. Chip and Shelley enviously watched him pee on every bush/tree he could find. Zeus followed us back to the house but at his pace. Meaning no where near us even as I called his name. The husband pulled up in the van. Zeus was checking out a neighbor's garage. The husband called his name while opening the van's side door. Zeus hopped in the van. The husband rode him around a few streets so Zeus would always get in the van. I walked Chip and Shelley home. I knew they were thinking that Zeus ran off and got a van ride. But they don't remember all the times they ran out of the electric fence and barked for us to pick them up in the van. They didn't mind the shock coming out. Just didn't want a shock going back in. That was the gist of the husband and wife dog walk. Stay tuned for the highlights of next weeks walk.

Roommates

Thinking Tiger Woods, Mark Sanford, John Edwards, and the guy from ESPN could all room together. Think of all the parties they could have! And just imagine the guest list?

Engagement

I just read that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are engaged. Now this doesn't affect my life one bit. It is not like I have to buy a gift or lose weight before the wedding. My reaction to this announcement is "Why?". They have two children. How long have they lived together? Just get married. If you don't know by now if you are compatible then you should not have had a second child. I think engagements are for people who have no children together. Maybe I need to consult an etiquette book. Now that I have read this I know I won't be invited to the wedding.

The Swimsuit Issue

I am revealing a dirty little secret. I have been looking at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue for at least 30 years. That is how long I have known my husband. He has always had a subscription to the magazine no matter what our financial situation. So in the early years I dug right in looking for bathing suits that might flatter my flat chested skinny frame. Remember this was before internet shopping so you only had the brand name of the suit to go by. We did have mail order catalogs but not for bathing suits worn in the swimsuit issue. Of course I never found or bought a swimsuit worn by the models. But I had lots of fun thinking I would look just like those girls if I wore one of those suits. I returned from NYC Sunday and headed for the bathroom to retrieve the magazine. (All of our magazines are stored in a basket in the bathroom. We aspire to a higher standard of living than the average family.) I thumbed through not even considering a suit that would compliment my body. None of the models were wearing a full length, heavy duty spandex wet suit.That is my style now. I have too much hanging over or dotted like swiss cheese. Besides the girl on the cover went to high school with a friend of the son at Georgia Tech. You know what that means? I could have birthed that child.

Where Are All The Young People ?

I flew to NYC with US Air and back to Charlotte this week. I won't go into details of my experience getting to NYC. Coming back went much better. My one observation of the entire flight experience is why are all the stewards and stewardess so old? Are there no young people being hired? All the people I saw were at least my age or older. Most of the women had the middle age spread and baggy eyes. Hardly any one looked happy. Maybe the NYC flight is a golden ring that only years of service entitles you to that flight. But when you are tired looking at yourself just makes you more tired.

Use Care With Your Votes

I know now why Mark Sanford is still in office. The Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer would be governor. I had heard rumors he was unfit but he did get elected Lt. Gov. right? Well now Andre is running for governor of South Carolina. This is from his speech regarding public assistance. "My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don't know any better." I do believe that man has never know anything but an ample food supply. And surely he loves to practice breeding.I guess he considers these practices only for certain people. When and how will he determine which people don't deserve an ample food supply or the act of breeding? Unfortunately I did read a letter to the editor at The Charlotte Observer that agreed wholeheartedly with this statement. Ironically I am reading The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich and Hilter had the same philosophy. I know lots of South Carolinian's are die hard Republicans but sometimes you have to choose between the lesser of the two evils. I don't even know who Andre is running against but you can bet your pants that person would have my vote.

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was The Evil One. She was so evil that it marred her physical appearance and her soul. Her face was distorted with ugliness and ugliness lived in her body. Her only recourse was to entice males with her sexual prowess. After many males and years she captured a submissive gullible mate. The marriage was swift mainly because of the baby in The Evil One's belly. She knew no way to converse with her mate's younger female family members. She ignored them and only spoke to them when her mate and other males were present. When children were born she ignored them as well unless the mate was present. The years progressed. The inner ugliness seeped into her face more and more. The bleached hair grew brittle and thin. The scalp shined through. The face was distorted with so much ugliness that The Evil One looked like an old Mick Jagger with a little Keith Richards thrown in. By now she was nearing sixty years of evil and ugliness. The sexual prowess was ineffectual to men other than her passive mate. She ignored all her mate's family. The ugliness seepage accelerated until one day she was just a big pile of ugly blob. No one mourned except maybe the mate.

The End

Too Busy

I apologize for not keeping more up to date on my blog. I realize there are those of you who are unable to complete your day without reading my great pearls of wisdom. Lately I have been busy getting diagnosed with a new disease - Sjogren's Syndrome. The disease is an autoimmune disease that attack various organs, most notably the glands that produce tears and saliva. I didn't have a disease that began with a "s" so my alphabetical order keeps getting larger. What has devastated me more than that is poor John Edwards. I am so worried about him. Where did he go once Elizabeth threw him out? He could be in Charlotte living with the baby momma. I know he is in knots over the sex tape being released. If it is released I will just watch it to see if his hair moves during sex. I hope he has enough money after his divorce and keeping up the baby momma for his 100.00 haircuts and his hair products. You know when you pay 100.00 for a hair cut you don't wash it in Suave. Jenny Sanford's book is coming out. That hasn't made me lose any sleep like I have for poor old John. Does she think she is writing something new? All women suffer greatly when their husband has an affair. But we have to realize that most don't have an idiot for a husband like Mark Sanford. Thank God she had the money.

Fabric Purchases

I am headed to the Myrtle Beach Quilt Party. May my fabric purchases equal the dollar bills stuffed in G-strings by my husband on his golf outing in Myrtle Beach in March.
Amen.

Myrtle Beach Quilt Party

I have been preparing for my quilting retreat this week since Thanksgiving. Cutting fabric,buying supplies,sewing fabric,tracing patterns. I got so tired that my rest periods lasted longer than my work periods. Then I started stressing because some pieces weren't cut the exact measurements they should be. Then I stressed about still not knowing all the workings of my new sewing machine.Then I stressed about tracing my applique on the right side of the paper. My daughter and husband both said "How can you stress out about a retreat?" That is true but remember the spiritual retreat in Arizona where people died in the smoke house. Maybe those people should have stressed a little about being smoked like bacon and got out of the hut. I digress. Any way I quit stressing about the retreat. I am going to learn more quilting techniques and laugh with my girlfriends. I have a nice suite with a great friend. There is a free happy hour every night. Life is too short for me to be perfect in everything. I just wish I knew that years ago.

Teddy Pendergrass

Teddy Pendergrass passed away last week. That was sad news for me. I love his music. I danced to his songs lots. He got you in the mood. I am sure lots of babies were born because of Teddy. Thank you Teddy for making me happy with your music. I hope you are singing away in heaven.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Today is day two of just me and the dogs. The daughter has gone back to NYC. The older son is back at Georgia Tech and the youngest son is back at Alabama. The husband is in Georgia all week on business. He tells me it is business but I talk to him on his cell. He could be in LA with a porn star for all I know. When the house was full of everyone I wanted my peace and quiet back. The phone rang.The doorbell rang. People came in and out at all hours. I went to bed when my children were preparing to go out. They woke up after I had completed my day. I would awake in the middle of the night to the smell of food cooking and 2 a.m. on my alarm clock. My favorite chair was never available. "Call of Duty" blared throughout the house and blood drops rolled down the television screen with each kill. The kitchen was in constant use with dishes all over the house. Now everyone is gone and I miss them all. I don't miss "Call of Duty" and the blood but I miss the life my children bring back to the house. Remember Mick Jagger and the Stones sang "You Can't Always Get What You Want". But does anyone believe Mick hasn't gotten what he wants? He is still bedding 20 year old women. Last week driving the husband's car I listened to the Playboy channel on satellite radio. (That is why I think my husband may be with a porn star instead of a business trip to Georgia.)Someone asked Hugh Hefner who caused the most damage staying at the Playboy Mansion. He replied the Stones in the late 60's on their American Tour. The mansion was still in Chicago then. But even with the damage Hugh invited them back anytime. So I can't always get what I want but Mick Jagger sure can.

Three Dog Night

We are having our share of the Arctic Blast. The night time lows have been in the teens. That is what you call a three dog night. Meaning it is so cold that it will take sleeping with three dogs to get you warm. I have three dogs so I am ready if there is a power outage. Finally a logical reason to own three dogs!. This tidbit about the meaning of a three dog night I read somewhere who knows when. I think it was an article about the band Three Dog Night. What I can't understand is how I can remember stuff like that but can't find my glasses, car keys, car, or remember anybody's name including mine own? We will discuss that another post.

January 10th

Today is January 10th. I weighed myself and I have gained 8 pounds since Christmas. Most of that is eggnog and brandy. I haven't done any exercises, joined a gym or paid for healthy, tasty diet food. Mainly I have been watching all the commercials and reading all the articles telling me what I should do. Funny after going through so many January's the commercials and articles have nothing new to say. That is what I am waiting for. An incentive to get off the couch. If there was a commercial for a million dollars for every pound lost there would be me and lots of skinny people running around. I did have a baby January 7th. She is 24 years old but the weight gain was unbelievable. Thank God I finished off the eggnog last night. It wont be in the stores for another year.

Post New Years Day

I made it to 11:29 on New Years Eve. I ate collard greens, black eye peas and ham on New Years Day. I have a new pair of red underwear. For those of you new to my blog an explanation on red underwear is in an older post. I have a matching red bra too. I wore both on New Years Eve to see if 2010 is the best. I didn't make any resolutions. I never keep them. I will continue to live each day as it comes. Thinking beyond that is too much most days. This year gets another child off the payroll and the last child working closer to that goal. I hope those two things are the major events for me in 2010. I had my surgery for the decade. Lets all put on our big girl panties and meet 2010 head on with a positive and strong spirit!