Trophy Wife

I have made a career change. With the poor economic status of our country I know lots of people have made career changes. Mine came about more from health issues. I can't believe it took me so long to make this move. I am now a trophy wife. I don't work. I don't do housework.I don't cook. I have a personal trainer. I spend lots of time at our country club. I do lunch with friends. I travel with my husband on his business trips. I spent lots of time shopping for clothes to wear on these business trips. I have shoes I still haven't worn. I don't play golf or tennis but plan to have an affair with either a tennis coach or golf coach at the club. That is the beauty of not playing either sport. I can choose which coach I prefer without feeling any loyalty to either sport. The husband is out of town most of each week. If I am not with him I spend my time devoted to me. In fact every day is devoted to me.I do attempt to look nice when the husband comes home. Only because I want him to take me out to dinner. My new career is so successful I may teach classes to other women about pursuing this option.

Picture at the Country Club

When my daughter was born I was determined to be the best mother ever! Her childhood would be the best ever! Her diet would be the best ever! Her education would be the best ever! Then my boys arrived and I vowed even harder to raise each child the best I could! All three would have a super childhood and super mom. Well you know how long that lasted. Before I knew it all three were in school and in every after school activity known to man. Things got expensive and money got tight real fast. My butt was back working full time.The logistics of working and hauling children around was a nightmare! After completing my work day I called the children while driving home. Each child was given instructions on what to wear and what equipment to have. Then depending on the time of each activity determined what child stood in the driveway at what time. I whipped in the driveway and grabbed whatever child stood there. I usually knew where to take them by the uniform on their back. Although there were times I took them to the wrong place or the right place at the wrong time. After dropping off the first child I would return for another until each child had been taken and picked up where they needed to be. Sometime in the melee I drove through the closest fast food for their dinner. During swim season all three had the same stop, the pool at our country club. I must admit I got slack when all three were in one place. One particular trip for swim team practice was such an example. I had made the phone call to be in swimsuits with towels in the driveway because I was almost home. All three children in bathing suits with towels in the driveway when I pulled up. I was Super Mom no doubt about it. We arrived at the country club in the nick of time without a speeding ticket or major meltdown. Unbeknownst to me or if I did know I filed it somewhere deep in my brain, that day was swim team practise and swim team pictures. Each child was to wear the official swim team bathing suit for that particular season. So fifty plus children stood in matching suits except one. My daughter had worn her swimsuit from last year. You would not believe the outraged looks the country club moms gave me. What kind of mother allowed her child to come for swim team pictures in last year's bathing suit? Not a Super Mom that was for sure. Swim team pictures were made. No mom police arrived. Flash forward twelve years. All three children are not too damaged from their childhood. The country club remodeled the pool. Now it is like being at a resort. The grill has a nice face lift too. Someone had the clever idea to hang pictures of random blown up portions of swim teams over the years. Unfortunately for me my daughter is featured in one of the photos. She and a group of girls with big smiles showing off their braces. Each girl in the appropriate swimsuit for the season except my daughter. I try to wear my biggest hat and my sunglasses every time I enter the grill. I know there are discussions about the photo with the girl in the wrong swimsuit. All I can say is being a super mom is way overrated!

Dragging the Trailor

I lived in a trailer until I was around five. My parents acted like white trash most of my childhood. Which I feels explains this trailer I have been dragging behind me all my adult life. Depending on where I am going and who I am with depends on how hard it is to get that trailer in. I look back on times in my life that I pushed and pulled to make that trailer fit into some place I felt I had to be a part of. Usually after all that work I was pretty disappointed to be there.When we moved to Charlotte the husband got a country club membership. Talking about getting my trailer through! At that time most club members my age belonged to the club because their daddy paid for their membership. So the clique was tight and my trailer became a double wide. A few years ago to survive the economic times the club expanded their membership. There is a more realistic representation of the world at the club today. I see overweight people, people of different color and nationality, and most importantly people like the husband and I who accomplished their success on their own laurels. I am at the club frequently and I am not pulling that double wide behind me. Instead my trailer is a sleek custom built RV to rival any Nascar drivers. I know the reason for the trailer switch is more my own attitude regarding myself. I am 54 and more comfortable in my skin. I accept my trailer will always be behind me. And the places I want to be my trailer glides easily behind me.

Bodies at the Pool

Swimming and exercising at the pool has been part of my summer routine. With so many visits I have seen some people often. This brings me to my topic - bodies at the pool.The first time I saw this woman I thought she was terminally ill. Now after several viewings I know she is terminal because she doesn't eat. She is about 5'6'' or so but likes to walk around the pool in wedge slides. Sometime in her life she got grapefruit boobs as a gift. I believe they were a gift because I think she only held a job long enough to get a paying husband. She is tanned and blonde. The blonde is heavily aided by a bottle. There are small children that she attentively watches. With her tanned body and walks around the pool she is an eye catcher. But once your eye is caught your mouth drops open. She is painfully thin. When she bends her arms her elbows become pointed weapons. You want to put a sign around her neck " Caution - Sharps Objects!". Her arms and legs are bones and muscles twined together with no fat in sight. The skin is taut but that only serves to allow better views of her skeletal structure. The days she wears a bikini you can admire her jutting hip bones and concave stomach. Yesterday in a one piece I was treated to her developing dowager's hump. The irony of all this is you know she thinks she is attractive. Why else does she strut around the pool in those wedges? Every time I see her now I want to hog tie her to a chair and stuff fried chicken down her throat. Yesterday I had a big slice of blueberry pie to help her out.

Dog Park Incident

Yesterday I took the dogs to the dog park. I went around 10:00 am and it was already way too hot. We did our complete tour of the five acres. Then we joined all the other dogs and owners under the big trees. I sat on a picnic table away from everyone else. Zeus and Shelley tend not to play well with others so I watch them like hawks. A boy of about twelve years sat down beside me. He reminded me of Pugsley from the Addams Family. He was at the park with his Mom and their dog. Obviously he was comfortable talking with adults. First he said he was home schooled. I guess to explain why he wasn't at school. Or maybe I look like a truancy officer. He told me all kinds of stories about his animals and other animals. Two stories stuck with me. The first was releasing his old bunny from its cage. He said the bunny wouldn't leave the yard and took two weeks to die. But his new puppy loved to cuddle with it in the yard. The reason he had the puppy was the rabbit had to die first. I didn't say, "But isn't the bunny in the yard with the puppy?" Next he regaled me with a tale of his next door neighbor's dog. The dog was in an electric fence and was mean. The boy wanted to prove the dog was nice. He walked into the yard. The dog ate a hole in his leg. I asked, " What happened to the dog?" Mainly because the boy was walking on two legs and in a dog park. He replied, "The owner's wife punched him in the face. She hates the dog." Then the boy proceeded to tell me that his dog of two years is only his even though his parents and brother say it belongs to the family. "I named him. I picked him out. And we got him the day after my birthday." Now he looks me in the eye while patting the pocket of his gym shorts. " I carry protection at all times. I need it day and night." By then I was so hot that sweat dripped down my back and into my underwear. I was too dehydrated to do much. I looked down at his pocket. There was a small bulge over it. I gulped. "What are you carrying?" hoping it wasn't a gun and I wasn't threatening him. "A small knife." "Have you ever used it?" "No, not yet." His Mom wandered over and he stood to leave. The boy went and sat by a lady with a pit bull. Good choice I thought. The mom picked up the conversation. Eventually she got into that her family had appropriate names for their dog but the youngest son insisted on John. ( I am using a fake name to protect the dog.) I smiled and said " Time for me to go home." Zeus had taken his dip in the pool and was rolling in all the smelly dirt he could find. And I felt like I had been rolled in some smelly dirt too. I just couldn't wash it off.

Bloodsuckers

I get so tired seeing doctors. Part of seeing doctors is having blood drawn. This morning is a blood draw day and a seeing a doctor day. The blood draw is always a crap shoot depending on who draws the blood and what shape my veins are in. Bloodsuckers are important when you need them which brings me around to Anthony Weiner. I believe good ole Anthony is no longer an important bloodsucker. Lets see. He denies. He lies. He recants. He apologizes. He swears there was not any physical contact with the women in cyberspace. But what is with sending pictures of his package? First he was in his tidy whities or maybe tidy boxers. Now a photo has surfaced of the total bare package. Is it humongous or something? Why else would he be so fixated on photographing it and sending the picture into cyberspace? I am here to tell you that the story regarding men's shoe size and their penis size is a myth. Too many years of nursing laid that baby to rest. But maybe there is a correlation between the nose size and penis size. I never checked that out. Now with my diseases and no nursing I can't do a survey. But forget the package size issue. Here is my take on the whole "Weiner" escapade. The man's last name is Weiner and he obviously loves his weiner. Bill Clinton officiated at his wedding. I learned that tidbit on "Chelsa Lately", my favorite late night show. And last but not least his wife is BFF big time with Hillary Clinton. She travels the world with her. When you have the Clintons as role models for your marriage this is what you get. So I say, "Step down Anthony Weiner and send me a picture of your weiner. I just want to get an idea of the size of it."

Gothic Southern Mayhem and Murder

One of my favorite parts of going to Myrtle Beach is reading The Sun News. Maybe because of the heat and humidity but people do some strange things to themselves and each other. I hit the jackpot with this story. Be on the lookout for a Lifetime Movie, bestseller or even a box office smash. All the elements are there for success. This titillating story happened in Cottageville, S.C. Cottageville is located 35 miles northwest of Charleston, S.C. The population is approximately 676 with 97% Caucasian.I say approximately because of the 676, one is dead and one might get lynched. The two main characters are former Mayor Bert Reeves and officer Randy Price. Bert Reeves died of a gunshot wound to the chest the afternoon of May 16 on Nut Hatch Lane. When Police Chief Craddock arrived at the scene he found Reeves dead. Price was nearby covered in cuts and bruises. Nut Hatch Lane is a dirt road near town hall and no one knows why the two men were there. Let me give the background on the two men. Bert Reeves was the former mayor of Cottageville. I don't know how long he served as mayor or how successful he was. In 2006 while mayor he was cited for speeding twice. One of the citation clocked him at 103 mph in a 55 mph zone. He refused to resign from office. Besides the driving citations he flipped his truck in July of 2006 and received a brain injury. Although he assumed his mayoral duties after treatment he just wasn't the same according to many people. The current mayor of Cottageville is Bert Reeves's aunt. Mayor/Aunt Margaret Steen found a machete in her front yard just hours after her nephew's death. Her property is next door to her nephew's business. Although the police came with a SLED agent , no report was filed. Officer Randy Price remains on paid administrative leave since shooting Bert Reeves. He started as an officer in May 2008. I guess there weren't any other applicants since his work history showed eight jobs in eleven years. The work history included multiple firings, misconduct and brutality claims. Once in Cottageville he pissed off the municipal officials by arresting their friends, relatives, and neighbors. He did pile up lots of drug arrests. Now remember the population stated above. He must have had most of the town in jail at one time or another. SLED officials are investigating the case. The mayor and all concerned are not allowed to talk about the "events'. I confess I did google today to get more info on the case. Monday the town council met. Residents want Officer Price terminated. From his job not killed although one resident said, "Let's don't lynch the man." I don't know if that is a viable option for the residents or not. The Mayor still is unable to comment because of the ongoing investigation by SLED. What did I tell you ? Southern Gothic all the way!

Johnny, How Could You?

John Edwards is still being investigated regarding how campaign funds were used during his presidential run. Federal prosecutors and his lawyers are battling it out over how campaign finance law deals with gifts and third party payments. John's gifts were about two supporters with more money than sense. These supporters provided more than a million dollars to pay to keep Rielle Hunter's mouth shut. I guess whenever "Johnny" pissed off Rielle she would threaten to go to the press. Evidently lots of money was required to keep her quiet during the campaign. But what has got me to pondering about is Bunny Mellon. Bunny is 100 years old. She was a friend of Jacqueline Kennedy. It seems Bunny became a money source after being upset about press coverage of John's $400.00 haircuts. She "volunteered" to pay whatever expenses John had that were not covered by the campaign.Evidently that included a valet. I am sorry but what does a man born to factory workers in Robbins need with a valet? Surely he dressed himself sometime in his life. Bunny is believed to have "voluntarily donated" $700,000 to John. When did she know that she was financing a mistress and fake baby daddy? Bunny and her family have been to the Raleigh courthouse. John and she had lunch last week. I guess that means she and John are still BFF. But,hello, the woman is 100 and $700,000 is lots of money. Especially to use to keep an affair secret from a wife with cancer. Does Bunny think he is John Kennedy because of his boyish good looks? At 100 her eyesight can't be great and who knows about her mental acuity. Maybe she thinks he is John Kennedy! But I keep going back to the $700,000. That is lots of money for anybody. John's campaign was about being the poor people's president. So why didn't that $700,000 go to giving haircuts to homeless people, foster children, or just about anybody but John. But guess what, has anybody heard a peep out of Rielle since her magazine spread? Nope! I guess Johnny is digging in his own pocket to keep her quiet now. Bless his little heart!

Dead Jellyfish

I just returned from a wonderful beach week in Murrell's Inlet/Garden City Beach S.C. The weather was warmer than usual for May which I loved. But that might be the reason for all the dead cannonball jellyfish on the beach. I never saw the ocean until I was 16 but lived in Charleston, S.C. for two years in my 20s. One of the first things I was told and learned - do not touch the dead jellyfish! Go around them , look at them but don't touch them ! One summer in Charleston I got a jellyfish bite in the ocean. After that I was just not interested in jellyfish. I told my husband and my children with all of our beach trips do not touch the dead jellyfish. Now you ask why I am rambling on about dead jellyfish? Because of an incidence one morning during my beach week. My friend, her 3 year old granddaughter and I were on the beach. We walked over to a large family group. The men and boys were building a huge sandcastle with big shovels. We introduced ourselves and let my friend's granddaughter marvel at the big hole they were making. One of the men explained he was from Boston with his family. His wife's family was from Pennsylvania. Everyone had driven down to enjoy a week at the beach. My friend and I shared our knowledge of good local seafood and restaurants. As we were talking his sister-in-law and her daughter walked up to us. The daughter looked to be about 10. Both of them held a dead cannonball jellyfish in their hands. My friend and I looked at the dead jellyfish and then at each other in disbelief. Two people were standing beside us with dead jellyfish! And one was a child! I swallowed and then opened my big mouth. In my sweetest southern accent I said very politely, " Jellyfish can sting you even after they are dead." What I really wanted to say was " WTF! Are you insane? I have never ever seen anyone in my entire beach experience carry around a dead jellyfish! And your daughter is carrying one too?! WTF!!!!!" The woman gave my friend and I a big glare and barked out " That is why we are holding them this way!" Okay! I guess I missed the class on how to hold a dead jellyfish. My class was always never to hold a dead jellyfish! So now I am home reading the Charlotte Observer. What do I see but an article on dead jellyfish and that they may be taking over the world's oceans. The article further states jellyfish are edible, a traditional Asian dish. Two Lowcountry teens who were lost at sea for a week survived partly by eating jellyfish. So now I feel really bad. Maybe the lady was planning to eat them for supper. But I would have still felt better if she had scooped them up with a bucket!

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What to say? What to say? What to say? The man is a pig. We all know that. The man should be castrated. Where can I sign up? The man is going to be in deep dodo. He should be. The Democratic party in California wants his hide. If he were a Democrat the Republicans would want his hide. We all know when it comes to being a sleaze bag politicians are non-partisan. The pictures of his "woman"/housekeeper show a nice round woman. Maria is thin in that "gotta stay popular look". Are men saying they want some meat on their women? Will Arnold be back? Of course he will. Less rich and the true Arnold showing, but he will be back. As long as his pictures make money. I would suggest he has less pictures of him strutting around with cigars in his mouth. Doesn't he remember Bill Clinton and his cigars? Now I have to discuss my favorite sleazy politicians - John Edwards and Mark Sanford. Jenny was smart. She kicked her idiot to the curb. Right now the idiot is living in Argentina with "the love of his life". John is in the "forever dodo pile". Elizabeth saw to that. I was never her fan but when the baby came to light she made sure the whole world knew she had cancer,was dying, and her husband had sex and a baby. I know this because all the television coverage regarding Arnold leads to all other politician scandals. The scandals are grouped in who recovered and who didn't. John Edwards is the first mentioned as not recovered and never will.. Mission accomplished, Elizabeth. Oh yeah, Rielle the woman who bore the love child and told all John and she were soul mates, is still single living in Charlotte. She isn't living in a big mansion or on Charlotte's A-list. She isn't my BFF either which is why she isn't an " A-lister" in Charlotte. But getting back to the weight issue with women. Rielle is that bony, "throw her some fat" look and Elizabeth had the nice matronly look. The weight of the wife and other woman has no correlation to the affair.The moral of all this are men are like dogs in heat. If they are thrown an inviting scent, they will mount it.

Dog On the Head

A good night's sleep hasn't been happening for a few weeks. The number one reason is my pleurisy. Painful breathing is not compatible with sleeping. The number two reason is getting up at least once but sometimes three times to pee. That will keep you awake. But on two separate occasions "dog on the head" has woke me up. You say, "What is "dog on the head'? I say, " You wake from a sound sleep with a dog on your head". The dog in question is Zeus. He is terrified of thunderstorms. He paces and moans. Then he plasters himself to your side until the storm subsides. Unfortunately for him and me both, we have had some mean storms in the middle of the night. The first time it happened I woke up with his rear sitting on my face. A border collie/german shepherd fuzzy, fluffy rear end with lots of fur to land in your mouth. After swatting Zeus off and removing all the fur from my face and mouth, I put him back on the floor where he belonged. Two nights ago I woke up with him curled around the top of my head. His big plume of a tail fanned across my face. This time it took longer to get him to the floor. The storm was bad and he had a comfy spot. Yeah, waking up to "dog on the head" is a definite sleep buster.

Food and Drugs

Heads up to all who travel through Asheville with food in your car. A Latino man from California was traveling to Johnson City, Tennessee to visit a sister. A sister he hasn't seen in ten years. A Latino man who is a legal resident. The man missed a turn and ended up in Asheville. He pulled over his truck because he saw steam coming out. A deputy stopped. The man thought the deputy wanted him to move so he drove away with his hazard lights flashing. Thinking the man was running, the deputy punctured his tires. Now for the good part. In the truck was an unidentifiable something. The deputy tested it for illegal drugs with a portable kit. The kit changed color so off to jail the man went. The unidentifiable something was a mix of cheese,shrimp,and tortilla and tamale dough. Of course it took four days to discover it was food not drugs. The sheriff's office wrote a check for $400.00 to cover the food he lost. An enzyme in the cheese triggered a false positive making 91 pounds of tortilla dough become cocaine. So no cheese eating through Asheville. It could be dangerous especially if you are Latino.

Voltaren Gel

My sjogren's has moved into my hands with some "lupus like symptoms". This has caused swelling, pain, redness, and a poor grip. My rheumatologist gave me some samples of Voltaren gel. I got some pain relief and asked for a prescription. My son took it to the local Wal-Mart to be filled. Voltaren gel is topical meaning you apply it on your body. The instructions on the box said, " Take one tablet by mouth daily." The little warnings said, "Take This Medicine With A Full Glass Of Water, May Cause Drowsiness or Dizziness, and Take This Medicine With A Snack Or Small Meal If Stomach Upset Occurs." I am afraid stomach upset would occur no matter what if you ate the Voltaren. More than drowsiness or dizziness would occur if you ate the Voltaren. And drinking the Voltaren with a full glass of water wouldn't help either. If I had not received a sample and was a nurse, I just might be eating my Voltaren gel. I took it back to Wal-Mart and showed the pharmacist. No apologies, just grab the box and slap on a new label. So everyone out here please read your prescription labels and inserts. If it doesn't make sense take it back to the pharmacy. My hand is much better. I "rub" the gel on my hand and haven't had any stomach upset.

Father of the Bride

I feel like I pick on my neighbors to the South. These neighbors are the Rock Hill,S.C. bunch. I have no grudge against anyone there. In fact I have friends and family from the area.I am sorry but some of the craziest stuff in the paper happens in Rock Hill. A few weekends ago a rehearsal dinner hit a sore note. The father of the bride assumed the father of the groom was picking up the tab. The father of the groom did not. The father of the bride received the bill including the bar tab. Things went "South" quick. He created a disturbance in the restaurant. Then he went to his truck and got his knife. The police were called and the father of the bride was arrested. The article gave no details of the wedding. I don't know if the father of the bride got bailed out of jail for the wedding or not. Imagine how the family Christmas get-together is gonna be. "Hey, "Aunt Dottie", bring your pound cake. I 'm bringing a ham and Daddy is bringing his knife." Kinda brings a tear to my eye.

Family Pictures

There are moments in your life when you are weak and have a "Hallmark moment". Several weeks ago I realized I could have all my children home Memorial Day weekend. I expanded that to believe that we could have a family portrait. I had a picture of the kids made my daughter's senior year. The picture hangs over my mantle and gives me pleasure every day. That photographer has sent me gift coupons for $100.00 over the past two years. I immediately called the photographer and said "I need a picture." I recognized the female voice on the phone as the the person calling me monthly to use my gift card. She is standing by to meet my needs in a bright singing voice. After I explained that I wanted a family portrait Saturday of Memorial weekend, the song left her voice. Flatly she told me that they will be closed that day, all day. Even with my explanation of "all my children will be here" and "yes, it will be a big order", it was a no go. I called my one friend with young children "Do you have a photographer you recommend ?". I called her recommendation. The recommendation informed me she was moving to San Diego. "Do you have a photographer you recommend?" I called that photographer to be told she was booked for Memorial Day. "Do you have a photographer you recommend?" I contact that photographer. I like the photography on her web site. She is available. We e-mail back and forth, back and forth. We decide late afternoon in Green park,downtown Charlotte. We discuss clothing options. I am excited. I am elated. My "Hallmark moment" is coming true. I send all the information to my family. The youngest son says," I am taking my Stats exam Memorial Day. I can't hang around until 5:30 Saturday". In his defense there was a tornado in Tuscaloosa. Then the husband comes home waving my e-mail in his little hand. His response is " I thought I would wear a suit and tie when you and I have our picture made." This in response to the photographer's input that dark denim makes a nice picture. Now we are scheduled at 8:00 am Saturday morning because of the natural lighting. Instead of the cool park it will be here at home. Because I know there is no way in hell we will arrive at a park at 8:00 am as a family looking half way decent for a picture. My last e-mail to the family is be downstairs at 8:00am that Saturday. I don't care what you wear as long as you are awake, bathed, and with a smile. I have had no response from the male family members. The daughter has sent a picture of a dress "Betty Draper" style with "Madonna" breast cups. The photographer suggested maybe everyone throwing a football around for a good picture. Hello! Did you not get the e-mail that the husband is wearing a suit and tie ? The Hallmark moment is over. Hurry up and take the damn picture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Crap

I don't post for two months and I get a follower. Maybe I should never post. Then I may get a gazillion followers. I went dress shopping yesterday. How depressing! Even if I were a size 2 again styles are either dowdy or slutty. There doesn't seem to be an in between. Then you add double digits to your dress size and things get even more gloomy. After attempting to zip up way too many dresses that made me look way old or way fat I quit. I have an army tent I can wear. I bought some "to die for" shoes that I am going "to die in" just by walking. I went to Bare Essentials for smoky eye make up with a complimentary lip color. I figure all the focus will be on my eyes,lips, and feet instead of my fat ass. I drove home vowing to become a size 2 again. To start this process I had for dinner - a string cheese, a banana, 20 tortilla chips, three ice cream sandwiches, and 2 jumbo glasses of white wine. I feel skinnier already!

Older

I just returned from a quilting retreat. There are various ages attending but mainly women over 50. This is my fourth retreat. The last night there is always a banquet. While sitting at my table waiting for the banquet to begin I people watched. An elderly husband was holding his elderly wife's hand weaving through all the tables to get to their table. Another elderly woman with a cane came barreling through the crowd and right into the couple. She kept plowing through with her cane as the wife tottered back and forth with the husband desperately hanging onto to her hand. The elderly woman with the cane won. She got to her seat first.

So much for being back

I haven't posted since 11/24. I still only have 17 followers. And I am never going to be blog of note or the month or anything. I have been on a diet and weigh more now than when my diet started. My Christmas decorations aren't put away. My hair is out of control. No matter how I get it cut it looks boring. Whine. Whine. Whine. To top it all I saw in the paper where I can get vaginal and vulva rejuvenation. Another thing to worry about.